


Another Chance

by Marish_06



Series: A Series of Chances [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Pregnancy, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-23
Updated: 2008-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-29 03:05:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 28,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/681999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marish_06/pseuds/Marish_06
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elliot is given a second chance to make things right, with the help of a little someone special.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Elliot looked up from the paper work in front of him and watched as Olivia gracefully entered the squad room. Her cheeks, still pink from the biting winter air, and snowflakes were still caught in her hair, yet to melt. He continued to stare at her as she placed her things in her locker, and zeroed in on the beautiful features of her body. He loved the way her auburn hair fell just past her shoulders. The way her clothes clung to every curve of her body just right. From the black hoodie that covered her blue undershirt, to the black slacks and belt that she wore. Not tight, but form fitting. Most of all he loved her eyes and her smile. Today she seemed a bit happier than she had been, and he was glad for that. He watched as she came to stand at her desk and flip through her messages. She caught his gaze and gave him a wan smile, and it made his heart leap. He was confused when she threw down the small stack of papers and rushed out of the squad room. A part of him wanted to follow her, but the other part knew she needed her space.

After she had returned to SVU, they had worked to fix their partnership and in the process they had fallen madly in love. It wasn’t easy at first; both were afraid of what they were feeling for each other and afraid of what might come of it. She, afraid of being loved, and him afraid of having his heart broken again, but their love had pushed through and flourished in the process and they had managed to make their relationship work for six months, and those months had been the best months of his life. Unfortunately, everything had come to a crashing halt a few months back. He had ruined everything they’d had and the guilt ached inside of him every day for being the one to cause her pain. 

What hurt most of all was seeing her everyday and not being able to kiss her and tell her that he loved her or make love to her. It was still hard for him to see her and not be with her, but it seemed to get harder and easier at the same time. What made it easier was seeing her move on. What made it harder was seeing her move on without him, but he was glad to see her happy again. He remembered how hurt she was after they had first broken up, and it hurt him to see her hurting. It broke his heart every time he saw tears in her eyes and knowing that he was to blame. It was weeks before she could look at him without bursting into tears, but he had to give her credit for being able to remain professional throughout the whole thing so that their jobs didn’t suffer. He was still her partner and he thanked God for that everyday. She never let their issues affect their job and he respected her for that. Besides that he would be heartbroken if she left. She was his drug and he was addicted to her, he couldn’t imagine his life without her in it, just as much as he couldn’t see his life without his kids in it. Being with her made him realize just how much she meant to him and how much he really did love her. He loved her as a friend at first, a partner, someone he cared about, but now he loved her more than life itself and not being with her was killing him. He watched as she entered back into the squad room, paler than she had been before and he immediately began to worry about her.

“Morning,” he said.

“Morning,” she replied softly as she took her seat in front of him 

She gave him another small smile and even that made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He was glad to see her smile at him again, it had felt like forever since the last time she had really truly smiled at him, but he took what he could get. She was finally comfortable enough around him and they had started to fix their friendship, of course she couldn’t confide in him the way she used to, but they were getting there. They were even beginning to joke around with each other the way they used to. He stood and took his cup and hers.

“No-” she said as she stood up quickly to stop him. She felt the room spin around her and held his arm to help her keep her balance. 

“Liv?” 

She waited a few moments for the room to stop spinning and turn on to its upright form.

“Liv, are you ok?”

“Yea… yea, I’m fine,” She said trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince him. “Just stood up too quickly.”

“You sure that’s all?”

“Yes Elliot. I’m fine.”

He looked her over to see if she was in fact ok. Her skin was slightly pale and bags hung underneath her eyes. He knew she wasn’t ok, but he wasn’t going to force her to tell him. At least, not yet. “Ok. So what’s the rush? You don’t want me to get you coffee any more?”

“No that’s not it. I just don’t want any coffee today.”

“Ok? But you didn’t have to rush like that.”

“Yea I know.”

“Well can I get you anything else?”

“No thanks. I’m fine.”

He eyed her suspiciously. “Liv, you sure you’re ok? I noticed you haven’t been taking care of yourself lately. You don’t eat as much; you look tired all the time. You nearly fainted just a second ago, and now you’re refusing coffee? Liv, this isn’t you. Tell me what’s going on. Am I the reason for this?” 

“If you only knew,” she mumbled avoiding his curious eyes.

“What?”

“Nothing. Look, my life doesn’t revolve around you, you know.”

“I know that… It’s…It’s just-” he sighed. “Look Liv, if something’s wrong with you, seriously wrong with you, you would tell me right? You wouldn’t try to hide it from me?” 

“No, Elliot. I would let you know if something was seriously wrong with me.” She stared at him with all seriousness in her eyes and yet both knew that she had just lied. “But nothing’s wrong with me. I’m perfectly healthy.” 

“Ok.”

“Perfectly healthy considering,” she mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing. Let’s just get to work.”

“Well, you sure I can’t get you anything? A soda maybe? Or something? Anything? I can go out if you like.”

She smiled at how sweet he was being and at how far he was willing to go to make up for what he’d done to her, but unfortunately no amount of coffee or paid lunches would make up for the heart ache he’d caused her. “No, Elliot. I’m fine.” 

She smiled at him and her smile seemed genuine which reassured him. “Ok.” He wasn’t offended by her attitude. He was used to it by now. In fact, he preferred her being cold to him rather than not talking to him at all. Her silence was worst of all. To him, her anger towards him made him feel like she still cared. As weird as it sounded, but the truth was he was just willing to take whatever he could get from her. He watched as she gingerly lowered herself into her chair and began to look over the file that sat in front of her. 

As soon as she had gotten comfortable Cragen made an appearance in the doorway to his office. “Olivia, can I speak to you for a moment?”

She looked at him confused, but stood and walked over to his office and Cragen followed in behind her. “You wanted to speak to me?”

“Yes, have a seat.”

“No, thank you, I’m fine right here.”

“Ok then. You need to tell him.”

“Tell who what?”

“Don’t play stupid with me Olivia. Elliot, about that baby. You need to tell him that you’re pregnant.”

“W-What? How do you?” Suddenly the room began to spin again and she swayed slightly. Cragen took her by the arm and helped her sit in a nearby chair. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself and then met Cragen’s serious gaze with her own. “How do you know that I’m pregnant? And how do you know that Elliot’s the father of my baby.” 

“You just confirmed it. I had my suspicious. Look, there is hardly anything that goes on in my squad room that I don’t know about. And I’ve been watching you over the past few months. You haven’t been yourself. And I’ve never seen you run so quickly for the bathroom. Morning sickness?” 

She looked down to avoid his heavy gaze. “My OB said it should be over with by now. I can’t believe…” She shook her head and placed her face in her hands.

“What I can’t believe is that Elliot hasn’t figured it out yet.”

“We aren’t that close anymore, and besides that I’ve been trying to hide it from him.”

“Yes, I noticed you’ve come up with a whole new fashion statement. It’s time for you to stop hiding from him and tell him.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m not telling him.”

“Olivia you have to. How do you plan on keeping this from him? It’ll be pretty obvious that you’re pregnant in a couple months.”

“Maybe I won’t be here in a couple months.”

“What?”

“I’ve been thinking about moving someplace else. Anyplace else.”

“Olivia,” he whispered disappointedly. 

“No. Don’t! Don’t try to guilt trip me into anything. I owe him nothing,” she seethed.

“He deserves to know.”

“No, he doesn’t. I’m taking this baby and I’m moving far away from here.”

“Olivia you can’t do that to him. You can’t hurt him like that.”

“Hurt him? What about what he did to me? What about how he hurt me?”

“I understand that, bu-” 

“Do you? Do you understand the pain I felt? That I’m still feeling?! He hurt me, and I don’t want him to hurt me again, or worse my baby. I never want this child to feel that kind of pain and if I can prevent that from happening, I will.” She wiped her nose with the back of her hand and swiped away the tears that had poured down her face.

“What happened between you two? One day you guys were happy and flirting and smiling all the time. The next thing I know you guys couldn’t even stand in the same room as each other and when you were, you were constantly at each other’s throats. What went wrong?”

“Look. I can’t. I don’t want to think about it, much less talk about it.”

“Alright, but please. Try and reconsider. I know as much as you might hate him-”

“I don’t hate him,” she interrupted. She saw hate as going a bit far. Hate was what fueled violence, and she would be damned if she would become anything like what her father was. Not only that, but she refused to subject her baby to that. She never wanted her child to know hate.

“Fine, but since you don’t hate him, I know you don’t want to hurt him either.”

She stared stoically out the window and at the man who sat at the desk across from hers. “And what makes you think that?”

“Because it’s not you. It’s not in you. It’s not the kind of person you are. As mad at you are, I know you don’t want to see him hurting. No matter what he did to you.”

“Fine. I’ll tell him,” she answered quietly. 

“Sooner rather than later?”

She nodded and stood to leave his office. He took her hand and pulled her beside him , and squeezed her shoulders in a sideways hug. She leaned into him, desperately needing the contact, “If you ever need me, I’m here, and Congratulations.”

She nodded and pulled out of his arms. “Thank you.” She turned and headed out office. She strolled over to her chair and was about o sit down when she caught a Cragen’s eye in the door way and instead walked over to Elliot’s side of the desk. “Elliot, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Sure we can go someplace private-”

She shook her head. “No, can we meet at my place later?”

“Sure, is eight ok?”

“Yea. Eight’s fine.”


	2. Chapter 2

Elliot could hardly wait for the day to be over. Olivia, on the other hand, was thinking the exact opposite. She was hoping for something to come up to give her an excuse not to talk to him. She was beyond nervous when it came to talking to him, but she knew she had to do it and was determined to do so.

Elliot could barely keep his excitement contained. He continued to get more excited with every step he took that brought him closer to her door. Curiosity had been killing him all day, but mostly it was his hopes of getting back together with her. He missed her so much. He loved her and wanted her back and only God knew how sorry he was for hurting her in the first place. He prayed that she had forgiven him; he couldn’t stand being estranged from her any longer, especially with the upcoming holidays. He needed her and planed on using the new year to show her how deeply he truly loved and cared for her. 

He knocked on the door to her apartment and waited anxiously for her to answer. She sighed and took a deep breath, and gathered strength for what she was about to do. She had been waiting for him, staring at the wall and mentally preparing herself for the inevitable. At first she had tried to think about anything but him and even tried watching TV, but found herself unable to concentrate. Her thoughts always reverted to Elliot and the child that was growing inside of her, and how she was going to find the best words to tell him about his baby. 

She stood and flipped off the TV before heading over to answer the door. She checked the peephole to make sure it was him, and seeing that it was, took another deep breath and answered the door.

“Hi,” he said when she came into view.

“Hi.” She smiled and stepped back and allowed him to enter. “Would you like something to drink?” she asked as she closed the door behind him. 

“Sure.” He walked over and sat in the corner of the couch and watched her intently as she maneuvered around the kitchen. So elegant and graceful. He reflected back on the smile she gave him when she opened the door and thought, “Maybe this will actually go well.”

She returned a few moments later and handed him a Coke. “Sorry, I’m all out of beer.” She sat down in the corner of the couch and pulled her legs up underneath her. He couldn’t help but feel like she was pulling away from him.

“It’s ok. Are you going to drink anything?”

“No. I’m fine.” 

“Yea. You’ve been saying that a lot lately.” She nodded. “So what’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Ok? What about?”

She sighed. “I’m sorry. This is a little weird for me.”

“I understand. Just try.”

“Ok.” She took a deep breath. “I’m…”

“Yes?” he asked hopefully.

“Elliot, I’m pregnant.”

“What?” Pregnant!? How could she be pregnant?! Yes they had had sex. No they hadn’t used protection, but there was more to it then that. “How? I- I thought you were on the pill.” Yes she told me she was on the pill. She said she had started taking it before we started sleeping together. She told me she was on it the first time.

“I was, but it isn’t a hundred percent effective. And… we got caught.” 

We got caught? We got caught?! Gees how could she be so calm about this? He rubbed his hands over his face. “So how far along are you?” 

“Four. Almost five months.” 

“Four, almost five months?” He couldn’t sit through this. He stood and began to pace the room. Then something clicked. “How long have you known?”

She looked down and focused on the stitching of her jeans. “Three months.”

“Three months?! Three months?!” How could he have not known? How could he have not known? He should have seen it by now. All the signs were there. Lack of appetite. Constant nausea. No coffee? That wasn’t her, but he should have seen it. He looked her over, no longer in a sweater or hoodie that hid her frame. Only a simple T-shirt, and there it was. A small pooch forming on her lower abdomen. “Why didn’t you tell me before? Were you even going to tell me?” She continued to avoid his heated gaze. “Liv?” No answer. “Liv, Answer me, goddammit!”

“No! I wasn’t going to tell you. I planned on moving away and continuing my life without you. And if it weren’t for Don talking me out of it I would have continued on with my plan because you don’t deserve this baby! I just got tired of my doctor and my mind telling me to tell you! And here I finally found the courage to actually tell you I was carrying your child and you are gonna sit there and accuse me of thinking about doing something I have every right to do? Screw you. And get the fuck out of my apartment!” she yelled, pointing at the door.

“No, Liv we need to talk about this.” 

“Well I don’t want to talk about this with you right now.”

“I know that, but we still need to talk about this.”

Reluctantly she walked back to the couch and took a seat beside him. He reached over to take her hand in his, but she quickly snatched it away. “Don’t touch me,” she whispered harshly. 

“What I don’t understand is why you would do that to me.”

“Because of what you did to me.”

“So you would use our child to hurt me?”

“Not exactly. You wouldn’t have known. I would have just left. You wouldn’t have known that I was pregnant, or anything, really. I’m not like you, Elliot. I don’t hurt the people I-I just don’t hurt people like you do. ”

“But why, Liv? Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Because you hurt me, Elliot. I trusted you and you hurt me, and I couldn’t allow you to hurt my baby like that.”

“Our baby,” he corrected.

“Fine, whatever. Our baby. I still don’t want you near us... At least not right now.”

Elliot sighed and sat back in his seat. He couldn’t believe what was happening. What she was saying to him. It hurt, but he couldn’t help but feel that it was what he deserved. Karma at it’s best. He looked over at her and watched as she fumbled awkwardly with her shirt and trailed his gaze to rest on the small pooch forming on her stomach. The evidence of his child. His child. He made a decision right there and then to be there for their child, because any child of his deserved the very best. He massaged the back of his neck. “When’s your next O.B. appointment?” 

“Next week, but I don’t want you there.”

“Well I’m coming.” He tried to be calm, but the anger suddenly rose inside of him. “I want to be involved in my child’s life. It is mine right? Or did you pick up some dick on the street for a five minute fuck.”

She shook her head in anger and disbelief. “I can’t believe you. Get out! Get out now!” she yelled pointing towards the door.

“No, wait Liv.” He sighed. Me and my stupid mouth.“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“You’re always sorry, Elliot. When are you going to stop being sorry and start doing something about it, huh? I think you should go… before you say something else you might regret.” She turned her head and looked away from him.

He took her hand in his and kissed her long elegant fingers. “Liv, please wait. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

“I don’t care.” Her voice cracked as she tried to speak through her tears.

“Are you still planning on leaving?” he asked softly. 

“I don’t know…maybe.”

“Liv, please. Please don’t go. Please don’t take my baby and leave me. I still need you. I need you both. Please. I’ll do anything for you,” he pleaded squeezing her hand tightly. She looked at him and stared deep into his eyes. What she saw was a mix of emotions. Pain, regret, guilt, desperation, love. “Please, Liv, don’t go.” He was on the brink of tears now. 

She paused for a moment before giving her answer. “Fine, but on one condition.”

“What? Tell me. I’ll do anything,” he said hurriedly.

She took her hand back from him. “You stay away.”

“What? I don’t understand, Liv. That’s the same as leaving.”

“No. I want you in our child’s life. I just don’t want you near me. I don’t want us to be together.”

“What? I still…I’m still not getting it, Liv.”

“I mean other than work and showing your face every now and then once the baby’s born, I don’t want you here, or anywhere around me. From now on you are my partner and the father of this baby. Nothing more, nothing less.”

He nodded solemnly. “Fine, but can you do one thing?” She looked intrigued. “Can you do me just one favor? I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but I’m asking you this one favor.” She looked at him waiting for him to continue. “I’m asking that you forgive me. I know that I’m already asking a lot from you, but I’m just asking this one last thing.”

“Elliot-”

“No Liv listen. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m asking for it anyway… It’s just that you’re carrying my child, and I know deep down inside you’re either mad at me or you resent me. Heck, you might even hate me...” That wasn’t true. She didn’t hate him. She could never hate him. The truth was she still loved him. She loved him now just as much as she did the first time they made love. “…And by extension our baby might hate me too, and I just. I just couldn’t handle that.”

“No Elliot I-”

“Look Liv, I’ll go as soon as I’m done, but can you promise me to at least try? Just try.” He let go of her hand and hesitantly placed his hand on her stomach. “’Cause I couldn’t handle it if my kid hated me.” 

She nodded. “I’ll try.”

“Thank you.” He stood and leaned over and attentively kissed her forehead. “G’night Liv.” He said before leaving her. Alone.


	3. Chapter 3

The entire car ride to her doctor’s was quiet. He didn’t know what to say to her and she didn’t seem inclined to talk. They had had a long conversation with Cragen about the entire situation, and things seemed to have gone well. He had thought about asking for a transfer, in order to give her some space and to give both of them some time to heal, but the thought of her working on the streets without him there to have her back didn’t sit well with him. Instead he figured that he could use the time to reconnect with her as much as he possibly could before the baby came.

They now sat in the waiting room of her doctor’s office and he could see why she had chosen a place like this. Women were in various stages of pregnancy; some obvious, others not. Most of them alone, independent, just like her. He sat with his hands in his lap and stared down at his shoes. He had always felt uncomfortable in these places. He had gone through three different pregnancies and still couldn’t sit in a room decorated in pastel colors with detailed pictures of the female anatomy and full of pregnant women. 

“How many times have you done this?” Olivia asked, staring down at her magazine with a lopsided grin on her face. 

“Three,” he answered, without taking his eyes off his shoes. 

“And you can’t sit in the doctor’s office without looking like you just saw your mother naked.” 

“Liv… Please. I just-I just don’t-” He stopped when he heard her chuckle. “You think this is funny, don’t you?” 

She covered her mouth to suppress the laugh. “Yes, I do think it’s funny.” 

He grinned at her. “Nice.” 

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to come.” 

“Yea, yea, yea.” 

“Olivia Benson.” 

Olivia stood and followed the nurse to the examination room, Elliot trailing behind her. He stood by and watched as the nurse took Olivia’s vitals and jotted them down on her chart. 

“Doctor should be in shortly,” she said before stepping back out of the room. 

“So, how come you’re not changing?” 

“Don’t need to. I’m only having a sonogram done.” 

Elliot nodded. “Do you kn-” 

“Olivia, my favorite patient. Nice to see you again.” 

She smiled genuinely for him as Elliot eyed the young doctor. He was in his mid to late thirties, with short light brown hair and blue eyes. He was nearly the same height as Elliot and it was clear that he worked out, everything put together about this man made him a bit uncomfortable to know that he was Olivia’s OB/GYN. 

“Nice to see you too,” she replied back. 

The young doctor pulled up a stool and sat down in front of her. “So is he?...” the doctor asked, nodding over towards Elliot as he looked over her file. 

She chuckled. “You are so not slick, Mark. He heard you. And yes, he is.” 

Mark? She’s on a first name bases with her OB/GYN. Elliot thought. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like this one bit. 

“Mark, this is Elliot. Elliot, this is my doctor, Dr. Mark Philips.” The two men shook hands and she didn’t miss the way Elliot eyed him of as if he were one of the perps they were tracking down. 

After they were done shaking hands the doctor turned his attention back to Olivia. “Ok, so today we find out the sex of this little one. Are you excited?” 

“Yea, and a little nervous.” 

“Well let me assure you, you have nothing to worry about. So I just need you to roll up your shirt and pull your pants down a little bit.” 

She nodded. The doctor turned around to snap on some gloves and prepare the ultrasound machine. Elliot also turned around to give her privacy. Within seconds, the doctor wheeled the machine over and Elliot turned around, clearly amazed at what he saw. She was showing, she was really showing with his baby and he couldn’t believe he had missed it all these months. Her tan stomach bore the beautiful curve that was his child and he felt his heart swell with pride. 

“Sir? Would you like a stool?” 

“Yea.” 

The doctor pushed a spare stool towards him and he drew it closer to Olivia before sitting. The doctor squeezed the gel in her stomach and she jumped back at the contact. 

“Sorry, I forgot to remind you that it was cold.” 

“Sure you did,” she smirked. 

“Ok, so let’s get a look at this baby.” The doctor said as he began to move the doppler over her stomach. In a few moments a smile came over the doctor’s face. 

“What?” Olivia asked. 

“Congratulations, you’re having twins!” 

“What!” she shrieked, sitting up on the table. 

The doctor chuckled. “Just kidding,” he laughed. “get’s em’ every time,” he chuckled to himself. 

“Not funny,” she said, trying to be angry, but couldn’t hide the smile on her face. “So, what am I having?” 

“A beautiful baby girl.” 

Olivia’s smile widened. “Really?” 

“Yup, and she’s perfectly healthy.” 

She turned her attention to Elliot, who was grinning like a fool. “El? What do you think?” 

“Can we hear her heart beat?” He asked the doctor. 

“Sure.” The doctor answered and turned on the sound so that they could hear their baby’s heart beat. Elliot reached up and hesitantly took Olivia’s hand in his, and was glad when she didn’t pull away. “I’ll go print out a picture,” the doctor said, wanting to give them a minute on their own. He showed Elliot how to navigate the wand and left the room. 

Once they were on their own Olivia looked down at their joined hands and wanted so much for their relationship to be real. For them to be a real family, but knew it wasn’t possible. She ignored the yearning in her heart and turned her attention to him. “So what do you think?” 

“I think that she’ll be the most beautiful baby in the world.” 

She smiled. “So you’re not mad that you’re gonna have another girl instead of a boy.” 

“No. I’m absolutely ecstatic that we’re going to have a little girl that will look just like you and have your smile.” 

She nodded. “Me too.”


	4. Chapter 4

Elliot looked over at Olivia has he navigated the streets back towards the station. He had never seen her glow so much, and the goofy grin on her face only added to it. She couldn’t stop smiling and it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. In all the years he had worked with her, only in the rarest of opportunities had he received the honor of seeing her smile. Except when they were together. When they were together and in love he saw her smile all the time, and he never got tired of seeing it. Now, after all the time that had passed since they had broken up, it was nice to see her smile again instead of the tears. 

“So, a girl,” he said. 

“A girl,” she confirmed. 

“Wow, I can’t believe we’re having a girl.” 

“Yea, El. We’re having a girl,” she chuckled. “You act like you never did this before.” 

“It’s amazing every time. To know that you could create a life that is so tiny. So perfect. So… innocent. You’ll see what I mean soon.” She smiled softly to herself. They drove for awhile in a comfortable silence. “So, uh… what’s going on between you and um Dr… uh… ” 

“Philips.” 

“Yea, Philips. What was that about?” 

“Nothing. He’s my doctor. He was just being friendly.” 

“A little bit too friendly if you ask me.” He mumbled. 

“Stop it.” 

“Stop what?” 

“Being jealous. I know you Elliot, and you need to stop acting like you own me. I don’t belong to you, and I’m going to date eventually. So get the thought out of your head where you think I belong to you, because I don’t.” 

“I’m not jealous,” he answered back stubbornly. 

“ Sure you’re not.” 

“So, um. How did you find this doctor.” 

“Elliot.” 

“It’s just a question.” 

“He was referred to me.” 

“By who?” 

“Warner.” 

“Warner?” 

“Yea, she did my blood work. After she told me I asked her if she knew any good OBGYNs she told me about him. They went through med school together.” 

“He looks kinda young.” 

“I’ll be sure to tell Warner you think she’s old.” 

“Please don’t. She has needles and special medicines that can do things to me and shrink things.”

She chuckled. “Yea, I bet.”

“Hey, why don’t we get some lunch?” 

“Sorry, can’t.” 

“How come?” 

“I have plans.” 

“With who?” 

“Casey.” 

“Oh, are you going to tell her?” 

“No. She already knows.” 

“She knew before me, didn’t she. How could you tell her before you told me?” 

“She found out. And I’m not going to let you make me feel guilty about my friendship with her. She’s been there for me every step of the way. She found me in a mess and she help me pick up the pieces of what was once my life. I refuse to feel guilty for that. I needed a friend and she was there for me. I won’t let you taint our friendship.” 

“I’m sorry, but it just hurts. It seems like everybody knew you were having my kid except me, and it hurts.” 

“We’re all hurting Elliot. Some of us more than others, but we’re all hurting just the same. And… if it makes you feel any better, Munch and Fin still don’t know, although I wouldn’t put it past them. They seem to notice everything. But I haven’t told them officially.” 

“Thanks. It helps.” 

“Um, can you let me off here?” 

“Sure,” he replied pulling over to the side of the curb. She stepped out of the car and closed the door. “So, I’ll meet you back at the station in an hour?” 

“Yea.” 

“Want me to pick you up?” 

“No, Casey and I are just gonna cab over.” 

“Ok. Well have a nice lunch.” 

“Yea, you too El.”


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia spotted Casey sitting in the corner booth of the restaurant. She walked over grinning from ear to ear and slid into the booth. 

“It’s a girl.” 

“That’s great, Liv. Congratulations!” 

“Thanks.” She reached over and took one of Casey’s French fries and dipped it in the honey mustard before popping it in her mouth. 

“Hey. The waitress will be by with your food at any moment so leave mines alone.” 

“What did you order for me?” she asked, reaching for one of Casey’s chicken fingers. 

She intercepted and took the chicken strip and tore it in half before handing it over to her friend. “Your usual. Cheeseburger, fries, chocolate shake.” 

“You know me well.” 

“That I do, and don’t think that you won’t be sharing that burger when it comes.” 

“Oh you know I will,” she smiled sweetly. 

“So, how did the rest of the visit go?” 

“It went well.” She smiled. “Elliot was jealous.” 

“Well Mark Phillips is one hunky doctor.” 

“You’re tellin’ me. Oh! Casey, don’t let Elliot know you’ve been to the doctor with me. It’d just hurt him.” 

“Ok. So tell me about the moment you found out she was a girl.” 

A smile immediately lit up Olivia’s face. “It was great. I always wanted a little girl. I would have been happy with a boy, but it when he told me that she was a girl I was just so excited. I kept seeing all those little dresses we saw in the store, and I can’t wait to dress her up in all of them.” The waiter came over and dropped off her plate. She began doctoring her burger as Casey talked. 

“Look at you, you’re practically glowing. You haven’t stopped smiling since you walked in here. This is a nice side to you. We should see it more often.” 

“I’m just happy. I finally have something that I’ve always wanted. What you think because I’m the hard ass detective I can’t be happy once in awhile?” 

“No. It’s just… It’s just wasn’t sure how you would feel since…” 

“Since what?” 

“Since she’s Elliot’s baby too.” 

Olivia became quiet as she looked down and began to cut her burger. “I think that’s the reason why I am so happy. Because this baby is both of ours.” 

“You still love him, don’t you?” 

She was quiet again. “Yes.” 

“Then why don’t you two just talk about this. See if you can work something out? Start rebuilding your relationship with him.” 

“Because it’s not that easy. He cheated on me, Case!” 

“I know.” 

“And with Kathy, no less.” 

“I know.” 

“No. You don’t know. You don’t know how much that hurt me. How long I cried before you found me. I trusted him. And he betrayed me. He promised me. He promised me, Casey. He promised me that everything with Kathy was over. I made sure of that. I told him I didn’t want to be her replacement or some girl he used until he and Kathy got back together. And what does he do? He goes out and sleeps her. I made sure because I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to get hurt and I still did. I thought I was safe with him.” She picked up a napkin and carefully dabbed at her tears, not wanting to ruin her mascara. 

“I know,” Casey whispered. “I know, and I’m sorry for ruining this for you.” 

“S’ ok.” She whispered. She sat back and thought about that night. The night that turned her whole world upside down. The night she was betrayed. The night he broke her heart. The night she lost all trust and faith in him. The night he told her he cheated on her. The night her whole world came crashing down. 

********************* 

It was a normal September night. Olivia had just finished showering and went into the kitchen to make some soup. Once she was finished she went out into the living room to wait for Elliot. He had called in sick at work that morning and she had called him once she heard. They made a plan for him to come over to her place that night and she was nervous. Last night was the night he was supposed to tell his kids about their relationship, and she hoped that things had gone well, but it didn’t sound like it did. No matter what she was willing to fight for their relationship, but if it came down to her and his kids she would gracefully back down. 

The only problem was, was how much she would miss him. She loved him and life with him had been great. She had grown accustomed to sleeping beside him, and the night before had been hell, as every other night that he was away from her. He did have to spend time with his kids sometimes. 

There was a soft knock on the door and she stood eagerly to answer it, but what she saw completely surprised her. She couldn’t believe it was him. His demeanor was slightly grotesque as he stood before her wearing jeans and a crumpled T-shirt with his leather jacket. His eyes were blood shot and rimmed with unshed tears. 

“Elliot? What’s the matter?” she furrowed her brow and looked him over. When she realized that he wasn’t going to say anything she took his hand and pulled him into her apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. She held his face in her hands and searched his eyes for an answer, but came up with nothing. “Hey, it’s going to be ok.” She hugged him and kissed him sweetly and he couldn’t help but think that it would be the last time he felt her lips touch his. The last time he’d feel her love. It hurt him, but what hurt him most of all was her kiss. It just made what he had come there to do all the more difficult. “Elliot?” 

The sweet sound of her voice brought him from his thoughts. “We need to talk.” 

This scared her. His words were indifferent and he wasn’t returning her kisses the way he usually did. “Elliot? What’s the matter? What happened last night? What happened at Kathy’s?” 

“Shh. Just give me a minute?” He took a second to compose himself then began again. “Olivia. I…I….” 

“God. I can’t do this to her. She doesn’t deserve this.” 

“But you have to.” 

“But look at her. She’s so innocent. She loves me.” 

“And if you love her too you’ll do this. You can’t keep this from her. If you do, she’ll resent you for it.” 

“But if I tell her it will break her heart.” 

“And if you don’t, it will also break her heart.” 

“Elliot,” he voice once again called him from his thoughts. “Elliot, it’s Ok. You can tell me.” She placed a hand on his. 

“I cheated on you,” he whispered. 

“What?” She could barely hear what he had said, but she was pretty sure he had said that he had cheated on her. “Elliot, don’t lie to me. If your kids-” 

He took her hand in his and his sad eyes met hers. “I cheated on you.” 

This time she looked deep into his eyes and she knew. She knew that it was true. “What?!!” She snatched her hand away from him and stared at him with hurt-filled eyes. “Elliot, how could you do this to me?!” She stood and walked away from him and began pacing the living room. Digging her fingertips in to her eyes. 

“Liv. I’m sorry. I’m so sor-” 

“Who? Who was she?” 

“Liv.” 

“You screwed around on me you can at least tell me her name.” 

“Kathy.” 

She froze at the name and this time her eyes were angry. “Kathy? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You promised!” 

“I know. I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen.” 

“Never meant for this to happen? Then how?” 

“What?” 

“How did it happen?” 

“I don’t know. One moment we were talking and having a few drinks.” 

“Oh don’t give me the ‘we got drunk and it just happened’ line. Do not fucking tell me that!” 

“Liv, I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. We were talking and the next thing I knew-” 

“What?! You were fucking her!?” Tears burned her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She was too angry to let them fall. 

“No,” he answered quickly. 

“Then what. Were you kissing her? Loving her?” 

“No,” he answered shaking his head. 

“Or were you touching her?” 

“No, stop it!” 

“Or were you making love her.” 

“NO!! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Liv. I love you!” 

“Love me? You say throw those words around as if they actually mean something now.” 

“No Liv, don’t say that. I do love you.” 

“Then how could you do this to me?!” her voice cracked. “Huh? Why Elliot? Why? Wasn’t I?.. Wasn’t I enough for you?” 

“Yes Liv, of course you were.” 

“Then why would you do this to me?” 

“I… I don’t know Liv. I’m so so sorry.” 

She shook her head in disgust. “Leave.” 

“What?” 

“Leave now.” 

He stood from his spot on the couch and quickly crossed the room to stand by her. “No Liv, we need to talk about this. I don’t want to lose you.” He said, reaching up to caress her face. It stung when she flinched away from him. 

“Do not. Touch. Me,” she seethed. 

“Please Liv, let’s just sit and talk about this.” 

“I don’t want to talk about this. I just want you to go,” she said burying her face in her hands once again. 

He carefully took her arm and guided her to sit on the and plopped down beside her. “Liv-” 

“How was she?” 

“Huh?” 

“You said you wanted to talk about it so let’s talk. How was she?” 

“You know what I mea-” 

“Was she good? Was it like old times? Was it worth destroying this relationship?” She stood and walked across the room turning her back to him and crossing her arms defensively over her chest. 

“No Liv, Stop it. I love you. Believe me I do. I don’t even remember what happened that night. All I know…Is that I woke up next to her. I never meant for any of this to happen. You got to believe me, Liv.” 

“Why should I?” 

And even though she was trying to be strong he could still hear the tears in her voice. He stepped closer to her and turned her around to face him. The sight of her broke his heart. Eyes once filled when love now held pain. Once filled with joy now filled with anger. He leaned in and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry Liv. I never meant to hurt you. Never. I’m sorry. He kissed the top of her head as he felt her sink into his touch. “I’m so sorry.” 

“No!” She said pushing him away. “No! No! No! No!” She beat at his chest with every word, but he held onto her and eventually she succumbed and buried her face in his chest and sobbed into him. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, tangling his hands in her hair and kissing her head. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry Liv. Please. Forgive me. I’m so sorry.” 

She inhaled the scent of him as she cried into his shoulder. She clenched the soft material of his shirt as he held her and suddenly it all came flooding back to her. The reason why she was crying, and who she was crying on. Her heart filled with pain and anger once again and she shoved him off of her. “No! No you promised. You promised that….” She looked up at him with hurtful eyes. “You told me that you guys were over!” 

“Yes. We were. We are. I don’t lover her anymore, Liv. At least not that way I used to.” 

“So you still love her?” 

“She gave me four kids Liv. And twenty years of her life. That doesn’t all just go away.” 

“So what was I, Your midlife crisis fuck? Huh? Was I just some fling or booty call or sumthin’? Huh? Was I just some girl you thought you would fuck around with for a few months until Kathy came to her senses?” She moved away from him and walked around to the other side of the couch. She needed to put some space between them because with the anger that burning inside her heart the possibility of her doing something stupid was quite evident. 

“No. It wasn’t like that. It isn’t like that.” 

“Then what was it like huh? Explain it to me because I really want to know.” 

“Look. I don’t know what happened last night. But what Kathy and I had is over. Has been over. I don’t want her, Liv. I want you. Can’t you see? Can’t you see that I love you?” 

“I used to think so but now I’m just not so sure anymore.” She walked around the couch and sat down solemnly. He stood across the room and watched her. Watched her wipe away the tears he had caused and watched her reevaluate the relationship they had. “Why? Why’d you do it? Did you realize last night that you still loved her? Do you want to restart your relationship with her? Or did you just throw away our relationship for a goodnight fuck?” 

“No.” He moved quickly around the furniture that separated him from her and knelt before her. “No don’t talk like that. Please don’t talk like that.” 

“Talk like what?” She asked calmly. She had given up. 

“Don’t give up on us. Don’t give up on what we have. What we could have. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please don’t give up on us.” 

“I think you already did that last night. And I think… that you should go. Yea. Go! Leave now!” She told him, pointing towards the door. 

“No, Liv. Not until you tell me this isn’t over.” He moved closer to her, placing himself between her legs and taking her hands in his. Tears fell freely from both their eyes, rolling from their cheeks into a sea of sadness. A sea that now held what could have been. “Olivia. I love you, and I need you. I need these hands.” He sobbed as he kissed her hands, and she sobbed with him. Her breaking for him and falling for him all over again. “These beautiful hands. Those eyes. Those dark chocolate eyes that I always seem to get lost in,” He said meeting his eyes with hers. So hurt. So full of pain and love all at the same time. Your lips. Your beautiful lips,” he whispered as he traced them with his finger. “Your body,” he said wrapping his arms around her waist. “God, I love your body. Your soul, your beautiful soul. And your heart,” he said placing his hand over where her heart laid. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive without your love and protection. Or without that beautiful heart of yours. So please. Please don’t say this is over. Please don’t.” Forgetting about his own tears he tried to swipe away hers, but they continued to fall the same way they had when this nightmare first began. “Please, Liv. Forgive me. I need you. I need you in my life. So please. Please don’t say that this is over.” He managed to choke out around a sob of his own. 

“I don’t know if I can,” she whispered, and even in the faintness of her voice he could still hear her tears. 

“No, don’t say that. We can try, Liv. We can get past this. We can get back to the way things used to be. We can, just please don’t end this. Please don’t say that this is over.” Once again he kissed her hands and he kissed her neck. He trailed his kisses from her neck to her lips. He held his lips there until he felt her kiss him back. She opened her mouth to his and he could taste the salt of her tears. She wrapped her arms around him and he tangled his fingers in the caramel locks of her silky hair. She held him close and tried to push the images of him and Kathy making love out of her head. Of him touching her and kissing her the way he was now. Once she saw the image of Kathy’s nails dragging across the soft skin of his chiseled back she pushed him away, effectively breaking their kiss, and in a way ending their relationship as well. 

“Go,” she whispered, turning her head away from him. 

“Liv?” 

“Please? I need you to go. Please.” It was the pain in her eyes instead of her pleads for loneliness that made him stand to his feet. 

“Only on one condition. You don’t end this, Liv. We are too good. Too strong to let something like this ruin our relationship.”

“Just go.” 

He walked slowly to her door and looked back at the defeated person she had become. The person he had made her. He stepped through it and closed the door quietly behind him. 

It was ten minutes before she could no longer hold her tears in and she let herself go. She sobbed for the better part of the night. She had a few dark dreamless sleeps only to wake up from the cold, and once she realized she was cold because he wasn’t there to wrap his arms around her, she’d cry again. She didn’t show up for work the next day, and didn’t bother to call. She unplugged her phone, wanting to remain isolated from the world.   
She had taken time off from work and remained in her seclusion until Casey had come by to go over her testimony for a previous case she had been working on. The strong willed ADA had waited her out until she had admitted the reason for her new found depression. Then she had cleaned her back up and made her into the stubborn detective she once was. 

She and Elliot had never discussed the breakup after that. Not that he didn’t try, but after receiving the cold shoulder for a few weeks he had given up, and they continued to remain in the turmoil that they were currently in now. 

***************************** 

“I’m sorry,” Casey’s deep raspy voice snapped her out of her reverie. 

“What?” 

“For making you relive that. That was never my intention.” 

“It’s ok, Casey.” 

“No. The plan was for us to celebrate and I ruined it for you.” 

“You didn’t ruin anything. Let’s just finish lunch and get back to work huh?” 

“Let me make it up to you.” 

“Casey.” 

“We’ll go shopping, and get all those silly dresses you were talking about.” 

“They’re not silly. But you don’t have to.” 

“And we’ll get a whole bunch of other stuff. You’re gonna need maternity clothes to soon.” 

Olivia said nothing, and simply took a bite of her cheeseburger. 

“I’ll even buy you a hot fudge sundae afterwards,” she taunted. 

This caused Olivia to smile. “Fine. You got me.” 

“Knew you couldn’t resist the ice cream.” 

“Can any pregnant woman?” 

Casey chuckled. “I guess not. So we’ll go Sunday?” 

“Sure, Why not? Now can I finish my lunch? The little one is starving.” 

“Sure. Go ahead.”


	6. Chapter 6

Elliot rolled over in his sleep. The shrill ring of his cell phone cut through to his temporarily unconscious senses as he fought to remain asleep, and for the first time he seriously debated whether or not he should answer it. In the twelve years he had worked for the NYPD, he had been at their beck and call, and sacrificed his time with his kids and wife to do whatever they needed him to do. Now, look where it landed him. Alone, in an apartment that was too small, scheduled visits with his children, scheduled because it was the only way he’d be sure to have time for them. 

The phone continued to ring even after it went to voice mail. He began to debate in his head whether or not the victim they were calling him to tend to really needed his help. He wondered if they would be better off with another detective, someone else to sacrifice their time, family, and sleep. After realizing that his job was the only constant thing he had left in his life, he reached over and answered the annoying device. 

“Hello,” he answered not caring whether he answered with his usual ‘Stabler’ and too tired to remember to do so. 

“Elliot?” 

The soft, sweet voice immediately cut through the sleepy fog his brain was currently in and he immediately sat up as if he had just received a shot of espresso. “Liv?” 

“Yea. I’m sorry, did I wake you?” 

“Yea, but I’m up now. Are you okay, is the baby okay?” 

“Yea, I just… I just… Never mind. Sorry for waking you.” 

“No Liv, I’m here. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Can you… Ah can you come over?” 

“Sure I’ll be right there…Liv?” 

“Yea?” 

“Are you sure you’re ok?” 

“Yea, I just don’t want to be alone.” 

******************************* 

Olivia woke from her short nap when she heard a soft knock at her door. She attempted to rise to get pregnant body off her couch, only to fall back into place. She tried again, this time using the armrest and the back of the couch to help lift herself off the couch. Seven months into her pregnancy and she still hadn’t gotten used to carrying around the extra weight. She made her way to the door and peeped through the peephole before opening the door for him. 

“Thanks for coming,” she said as she stepped back away from the door to let him in. 

“It’s not a problem, really,” he replied back as he made his way into her apartment. 

She headed back to her living room and sat back on her couch as he ventured off into her kitchen. “What are you doing?” she called. 

He walked back out carrying two spoons and a brown paper bag. He took off his coat and placed it on the arm of the couch. “You still like vanilla, right?” He asked, pulling out a pint of vanilla ice cream. 

She sighed and smiled softly. “Thanks, but… She only likes chocolate. Vanilla makes me puke now,” she said rubbing her hand over her growing stomach. He smiled and pulled out a pint of chocolate ice cream. A brilliant smile lit up her face. “How’d you know?” 

“Chocolate’s my favorite,” he said opening the ice cream for her and handing her a spoon. She smiled gratefully and took it as she leaned back against the couch and ate her ice cream, sighing as she took that first bite.

“That good, huh?” Elliot asked as he dug into the vanilla. 

“Almost better than sex,” she chuckled. 

“Sure,” he smirked backed. 

She sighed and rested her head against the back of the couch. “I shouldn’t be eating this so late.”   
“Why?” 

“Because now she’ll never go to sleep.” 

“Oh, she’s a night owl?” 

“No mostly she’s just up whenever I need to sleep. Kicks me black and blue whenever she’s awake.” 

“Yea? That active, huh?” 

“Yea. Mostly when you’re around.” 

“Huh?” 

“She knows your voice, El. She kicks whenever she hears you.” 

“Really. Is she kicking now?” 

“Yup.” 

“Can I feel?” 

She nodded hesitantly and slowly he placed his large hand over her stomach, and frowned when he didn’t feel anything. “Here,” she said navigating his hand to the side of her stomach. 

He smiled when he finally felt those small thuds against his hand. “She sure packs a kick huh?” 

“No kidding,” she deadpanned. 

“I can’t wait until she’s born. I can’t wait to see her after she’s born and count her toes and see her eyes.” 

“Um, yea… about that.” 

“What?” 

“I don’t…” she avoided his heavy gaze. “I don’t want you in the room with me.” 

Shock colored his face before he covered the ice cream, placed it on her coffee table, and stood and took up his coat. 

“Wait? Where are you going?” She asked as she put her own pint on the table. 

“I can’t believe you.” He mumbled as he forcefully shoved his arm back into his coat. 

“Elliot.” 

“You call my house at fucking 2:30 in the god dammed morning to come over here just so that you can tell me that you don’t want me to be there for the birth my child? Great, Olivia. That’s just great.” 

“That’s not why I called you here.” 

“Really? Then why the hell did you call me over here?!” 

“Because I needed someone to talk to! And I thought that you’d be the one to understand! I’m sorry I made that assumption.” She took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. “You know what. I don’t need this right now. Maybe you should go. ” 

He watched as she rubbed her hands over her eyes through the long caramel locks of her hair. He sighed and removed his coat. “Can you at least tell me why?” 

“Elliot.” 

He took her hand in his. “Please.” 

“I just don’t feel comfortable having you in there. The doctor and I were discussing what would be going on in the delivery room today, and he said that it’s really important that I’m comfortable in there, and…I don’t feel comfortable with having you in there.” 

“Well Liv, I’ve been through this three times and things can get kind of scary. You should at least have Casey there with you.” 

“No,” she shook her head firmly. “No. Just doctors and nurses. That’s it.” 

“Liv.” 

“Elliot I don’t want you seeing me like that and we’ve slept together, what makes you think I want Casey seeing me like that?” 

A part of him was happy that it wasn’t him, and just merely her pride, but the other part of him wanted him knew that she needed someone with her. “Liv-” 

“Elliot. My decision’s final.” 

“Fine. So then why did you call?” He held his hands up in defense when he saw the anger flash in her eyes. “Just a question. I’m not accusing you of anything. Just… I know that something was bothering you enough for you to call me. What was it?” 

She took a moment to calm herself. “I can’t do this.” 

“Do what?” 

“Be a mother.” 

“What?.. Are you-Are you saying that you don’t want do this anymore? You don’t want her anymore?” 

She let out a labored sob. “No. I want her. I do. But…” 

“But what?” he asked softly as he took her hand in his and wrapped his arm around her. 

“I don’t know how,” she cried. “I feel like she’s a mistake. Like God made a mistake in giving her to me. ” 

“Liv that’s not true. What would make you think that?” 

“I don’t know anything. God! I’ve never even changed a diaper. I don’t know how to be a mother. My mother was no example. I mean she loved me. She did, but in her own way. And most of the time it wasn’t enough. I felt so alone most of the time. I don’t want her to feel that. I don’t want her to… I want her to feel loved. All the time.” 

“She will. I promise you, Liv she will.” 

“But what if…What if I’m not good enough for her?” 

“What would make you think that? Huh? Where is all this coming from?” 

“For the past few weeks I’ve been having these dreams-these nightmares. And in them I lose her. At first I miscarried. Then she was still born. Now it’s these freak accidents that keep taking her from me and I can’t help but feel like its God’s way of saying it was a mistake. Like He never meant to give her to me.” 

“That’s not true. Look at me, Liv,” he said turning her head up to face him. “You were meant to have this baby. We do the same job, and you and I both know that most of those mothers that we deal with deserve to have children, and none of them will be half the mother you’ll be. Now I’m going to ask you again. Do you want her?” 

“Yes. I can’t wait until she comes so that I can see her, and hold her, and love her. I want her so bad, but I feel like I’ll never get my chance with her.” 

“You will Liv. You will. And you already love her. The fact that she’s not even here and you’re already worrying about her show how much you love her. You’re going to be a great Mom. I have no doubts about that, and I’m honored to be the father of your child.” He leaned over and kissed her eyebrow. “Don’t worry. Everything will work out.” 

“Thank you.” 

“So how did your appointment go today? By the way, I’m sorry I missed it.” 

“No problem, I understand. It went ok.” 

“Just ok?” 

“Just ok. I’m officially on maternity leave. “ 

“What? Why, I thought you were going to work up until the baby comes.” 

“That was my plan, but my blood pressure and stress levels have been a bit on the high side lately, and he’s warned me about them, but I haven’t been able to bring them down, so he said that I can’t work anymore, otherwise I would be putting the baby in danger.” 

“Well maybe you can still work, we can talk to Cragen and see if-” 

“Elliot. He’s already got me on my ass pushing papers all day. It doesn’t get much lighter than that.” 

“Well Liv, you’ve been doing more than pushing papers, you’ve also been interrogating suspects and interviewing victims, maybe we can just cut that out for a bit.” 

“No. I can’t just be there and just sit there and watch what’s going on without trying to help in some way. No. Me being home is what’s best for now. I’m not going to risk her life for a job no matter how much I love it.” 

He nodded completely understanding where she was coming from. “Ok, but I’m going to miss you.” 

“You’re just going to miss me doing all your paper work,” she said elbowing him playfully, but he barely managed to crack a smile. 

“No, I’m going to miss you, Liv.” 

“Elliot you say it like I’m moving away. I’m right here. I’m just going to be gone for a few months. I’ll come back.” 

“Yea, I know. Look, I’m gonna go now.” 

“No wait,” she said grabbing him by the wrist before he could stand up. 

He turned back and looked at her and for the first time and for the first time she could see the sadness in his eyes. “What?” 

“Elliot what’s going on with you? You haven’t been your self lately.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re not fine!” She took a deep breath and held it before letting it out slowly, calming herself in the process. “Look, I know that things…between us haven’t been all that great lately, but you can still talk to me. I’m still here to listen.” 

He smiled at her. At how loving and caring she was and knew for sure she would a fantastic mother. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I know. But you’re stressed out enough already. You don’t need my problems to add to it.” He tried to stand to leave, but she grasped his shirt firmly in her hands. 

“Talk to me.” 

“Liv-” 

“Please? I know something has been bothering you for awhile now, and I can see what it’s been doing to you. You’re scaring me,” She whispered softly. It was true. He was loosing weight. His eyes no longer shined like they used to. No longer did they change with his emotions, or spark the same way when he saw his children. They remained at it’s deepest blue, almost gray, and she longed to see them bright again. 

He hid his face in his hands. He could not tell her the thoughts that were surging in his head. He could not look her in the eye and tell her that every time he went home to his lonely apartment that was filled with memories of her, he thought of eating his gun. He. Could. Not. Do. It. “Please Liv,” he tried, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice, but to no avail. 

She removed his hands from his face, wrapped them around her waist, pulled him closer to her and enveloped him in an embrace that he had longed for for the past six months. He buried his face in her neck, and inhaled the scent that he had grown to know and love. Warm Vanilla sugar from her body wash. Cherry almond from her lotion. Herbal Essence from her shampoo and conditioner, and the rest that was just her. 

“How long?” she asked when he sobbed into her neck. She rubbed his back soothingly and listened as he cried. After his sobs had died down she held his face in her hands and locked her eyes with him. “How long?” 

“What?” he asked. He wouldn’t willingly admit it unless she already knew. 

“How long have you thought about eating your gun?” 

“How do you know that?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“How long?” 

“Too long.” 

“Why?” 

“Why not? No one cares anymore Liv. Kathy left me, you left me-” 

“Hey-” 

“I know. I know why you left me and you have every right. But my kids don’t even care that they don’t see me anymore.” 

“Elliot, that’s not true. Your kids adore you.” 

“Do they?! Because every time I call them Kathleen’s either busy or at work. Dickie’s with his friends, or he has baseball practice. Lizzie’s always at the mall or has tennis practice. They rush so fast on the phone I barely even have a chance to hear their voice! I just don’t see the point anymore. I lost them because of a job that I now hate. I have nothing to live for. Nothing. Nobody needs me anymore. Nobody cares.” 

“I care. Do I count, because I care.” 

“Liv, you don’t need me. Look at you. You’ve been happy ever since we broke up, and now you’re not even going to work with me.” 

“Well what about her?” She asked as she took his hand and placed it on her stomach, and once again he felt the small thuds against his hand. She sniffed. “She can’t say anything yet, but she needs you. She needs you to take her to buy ice cream when I say no. To interrogate all of her dates. To walk her down the aisle on her wedding day and give her away. She needs you, El.” 

He gazed down at his hand on her stomach and leaned down and kissed it softly through her shirt. “I love you,” he whispered, and in that moment he made a promise. He promised to be there for her no matter what. He would hold on for her, and for her alone.   
“Thank you, Liv.” 

“Any time. Just… Whenever you feel like going there, remember her, and I’m always here too.” 

“I know. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

“I’m a… I’m gonna go now.” 

“No, stay.” 

“Liv, you’ve done enough. You should get some sleep.” 

“Please. I told you what would happen once I ate that ice cream. I’m wide awake now, so stay. Please? I don’t want to be alone.” 

“Sure. Lay back and relax. We’ll watch a movie or something.” 

She did just that, laying her feet across his lap as she got herself settled while he reached for the remote. After flipping through the 200+ channels that her cable had to offer and finding nothing he decided to settle on old reruns of Friends. After the first episode he glanced over to find her already fast asleep, one hand resting above her head, while the other one resting over her growing stomach. 

“Looks like the little one finally decided to let you sleep.” 

He carefully stood and placed her feet on the couch. He pulled down the afghan and used it to cover her, but only up to her stomach, knowing that she got hot easily especially with the increase in temperature and Spring right around the corner. He hoped that March wouldn’t get to warm, but warm enough to thaw the February ice. He stared at her and watched as she breathed in evenly and let her breath out. They way her lips were slightly parted and the way her long eye lashes curled. He couldn’t help himself. He leaned down and kissed her lips softly, pulling away and tasting the remnants of her chocolate ice cream. 

“You always counted. Always,” he whispered. He turned out the lights and used his key to lock her door, before walking down the lonely hallway.


	7. Chapter 7

Elliot watched as Olivia bounced back energetically, the smile on her face brighter than he had ever seen it before. She looked radiant in the tight black spandex pants she wore, and, despite the fairly warm April weather, the large NYPD sweatshirt. His sweatshirt. She loved it because it was warm and cozy, and although she had washed it a million times she could still smell the scent of him in it and on the cold nights it made her feel as if it were his arms wrapped around her. 

“Elliot? What are you doing here?” 

“Heard you had a baby shower and came to help you set up.” 

“Shit! You son of a bitch!” Both chuckled at the sound of Casey’s voice. 

“Sounds like I got here just in time,” he said as he removed his jean jacket and hung it in her coat closet. He stepped into the room and saw the scattered parts and tools on the ground. “Looks like I got here just in time too.” 

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Casey asked from her position on the floor. 

“Yea, you saying we can’t put up a few pieces of furniture because we’re girls?” Olivia demanded with a wide grin.

“I’m not saying anything, but I think the evidence here speaks for itself.” Elliot retorted.

Olivia smacked him upside the head. “Shut up!” 

“Thank you Olivia, I would have done it, but I’m too far away.” Casey added.

“My pleasure,” she laughed. 

Elliot sat down and began to look over what they had done, or better yet, what they hadn’t. “Ok?? So what exactly have you two done?” 

“Nothing! I mean who’s the idiot that bought this shit? The fucking instructions are in fucking Spanish and the pictures make no sense. Olivia’s been translating, but I don’t speak idiot, so this is what we have done,” she said holding up one side of the crib. “And that’s because it came done.” 

“Well can I see the directions?” Casey handed them over to him. 

“What good is that going to do? You don’t speak Spanish,” Olivia said from her position by the door. 

“Well I just so happen to be fluent in idiot and I actually get the pictures. Can you translate this and write it in English for me so that I can read it?” 

She nodded and went to do just that. Elliot began to straighten out everything, arranging the parts, so that he could see what he had and what he didn’t. “See this works better when you can actually find what you’re looking for.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Shit.” 

“What?” 

“I forgot my tools.” 

“Nice going smart one. And you claim you came to set up baby furniture.” 

“In my truck, smart ass. Tell Liv, I’ll be back.” 

He returned just as Olivia was finishing with translating. “I just did the gist of it. Not too specific, is it good enough?” 

He took the paper and looked over what she had written. “Yea. This is good.” 

“I’m actually kind of tired, you mind if I go catch some a few?” she asked thumbing back towards her bedroom. 

“No. Go ahead. Casey and I will handle everything.” 

“Casey?” 

“Hey I resent that,” Casey retorted from the room. 

“’K you want anything to drink or eat before I go?” Olivia asked. 

“No, I’m good. Thanks though.” 

“If you need me to translate anything, just let me know.” 

“Sure. Go rest we’ll be fine.” He watched her walk back to her room before heading into the nursery. “Ok. Let’s get started.” 

“What do you want me to do?” 

“Here. You can read me whatever Liv translated.” 

“Sure.” 

“So?” 

“What?” 

“What does it say?” 

“Umm you get the meshy spring thingy and attach it to the prison bars.” 

“That’s what they wrote?” 

“No. That’s how I’m saying it.” 

“And you wonder why you couldn’t get anything done.” 

“Yea, yea, yea. So what’s your real reason for showing up here?” 

“I told you. I heard about the shower, and came to make sure my kid doesn’t end up sleeping on faulty equipment.” 

“Yea, and?” 

“Fine. I needed an excuse to see her.” 

“Why? Elliot this is Olivia we’re talking about. Partner of seven years. Girlfriend of six months. Mother of your soon to be fifth child. You don’t need an excuse to see her.” 

“Sorry if you missed the memo Casey but I’ll bring you up to speed. Olivia and I aren’t the same anymore. We don’t get along like that. Pass me the screw driver.” 

“She’d still like to see you, you know,” she said as she handed him the screw driver. 

“Yea. How’s she been though? I missed her last appointment because of the Burrows case.” 

“She’s doing good. She’s starting to get more tired and stuff now, but otherwise she’s fine. She hates it though. Says it makes her feel old because she has to take naps in the middle of the day like some old lady.” 

He chuckled to himself. “She’ll get past it. Especially when she starts running to the bathroom every five minutes thinking she has to pee.” 

Casey laughed. “It’s already started.” 

“You spend a lot of time with her huh?” 

“Yea. I try to come by at least two or three times a week. Enough to keep her company, but not to smother her. She gets lonely.” 

He nodded, and continued to work, mostly from common sense than from the picture instructions beside him. 

“You should come by and see her.” 

“That’s ok. I’m perfectly fine watching Friends re-runs at home.” 

“Elliot.” 

“What?” 

“She still cares…She told me what you guys talked about the other night. You really scared her.” 

“Shit. I didn’t send up her blood pressure did I?” 

“Lil’ bit, but after about a week of me reassuring her you were ok, she settled down.” 

He nodded. 

“So if you knew about the shower, why didn’t you come?” 

“Not my thing. Showers are for girls to get together and oooo and ahh at baby clothes and play stupid games.” 

“Well Fin, Munch, and Cragen had fun. They didn’t ooo and ahh as much but they brought gifts had cake and played poker. I’m pretty sure you would have fun too, and I’m pretty sure that you knew that there was a shower and that they were coming and that you could hang with them. So why didn’t you come?” 

“Well Miss Prosecutor I wasn’t invited. I believe you were the one in charge so explain that to me.” 

“Elliot. I’m sorry. I just wanted her to have fun, and she did. But if you knew about the shower you should have come.” 

“Maybe I wanted her to have fun too.” He stood as he screwed the last screws into the crib’s frame. Once he was done he wiggled a few parts to make sure it was sturdy, then stood back to admire his handy work. 

Casey stood too and admired the white wooden crib. “This is a really nice crib. The idiot had taste.” 

“Yes, he did.” 

“No really Elliot. This must have cost a fortune.” 

“It did.” 

She looked over at him. “You bought this?” 

“I needed an excuse to come see her so I sent it with Cragen.” 

“Wow Elliot. This crib is really amazing.” As of now the crib had been set up in the newborn stage, but once the baby got older it could easily be adjusted so that the baby would have more space to move. 

“Did you guys get everything she needs at the shower?” 

“Yes. I was adamant about everybody using the registry, and everybody did except for you, but this crib is ten times better than the one she picked out so I don’t think we’ll have any problems there.” She chuckled to herself. “You should have seen her with the little scan gun they gave her. She went trigger crazy with the thing. I thought that she was going to scan the whole store!” She chuckled. She removed her phone from the clip on her waist and checked the time. “Wow, I’ve got to go. I have a ton of work to do at home.” 

“’Kay. I can finish up here.” He watched as Casey gathered her things and prepared to leave the apartment. “Um Casey. Has Liv, mentioned anything to you about a name?” 

“Umm no. Not that I haven’t tried, but she refuses to disclose any information to me about a name. Tell her I’ll call her later.” 

“Sure. See ya Case.” 

“See ya.” 

Elliot walked back into the nursery and looked around at the amount of gift bags and unwrapped boxes. He went over and began to open the box that held the changing table and set to work on it. 

************************ 

Elliot turned off the vacuum and stood back to look at is handiwork. The nursery had come out perfect. The pale pink walls went perfect with the crib and the Lola bunny border that surrounded it. That, along with the crib bedding and the matching plaid pink, purple, and white glider chair that sat in the corner of the room by the nursery. He had set up the changing table and placed all the baby care products in place. He had hung the pretty little dresses, and folded the cute little onesies. The tiny shoes had been neatly arranged, and the socks balled and tossed in a drawer of its own. Olivia was officially ready for this baby. 

He wrapped the cord around the vacuum and stored back in the hallway closet. He set up the sterilizer and left it in the corner on top of the counter, and stored the bottles away in one of the cupboards. He walked into her room to tell her that he was leaving, but as he watched her sleep he knew he couldn’t. He loved the way her hand rested lightly over her large stomach. The way her breaths made her chest rise ever so slightly. The way the setting sun highlighted the caramel locks lost in the deep brown of her hair, and made the exotic tone of her skin glow. She was beautiful. Plain and simple. Her eyes fluttered and locked onto his cerulean blues, before a frown creased her brows. 

“Elliot?” 

He startled from his thoughts and quickly disappeared from her room. She maneuvered her seven months pregnant body as quickly as she could, but only managed to see the door closing behind him as he left her apartment. She hurried to the door and watched his retreating figure move towards the end of the hallway. 

“Elliot!” she called, but he continued to walk. “Elliot!” she called again, and this time he stopped, but didn’t turn around. “I forgive you.” 

He nodded, and continued to walk away. She waited for him to look back. To say thank you. To make sure she closed and locked her door, but he continued to walk down the hallway as if she’d never said anything at all.


	8. Chapter 8

Elliot rolled over as he heard the shrill of his cell phone. He grumbled as he rolled again and reached for the annoying ringing device, swearing that one day he’d seriously just toss it and be done with it all. Unfortunately tonight was not that night and duty called. Literally. 

“Stabler,” he grunted into the phone. 

“Elliot! I’m so glad you’re up.” 

“Wasn’t exactly up until you called, but I am now. What’s up Case?” 

“Olivia’s in labor.” 

“That’s nice. Tell her I’ll see her when the baby’s here. Night Case.” 

Casey smiled reassuringly at Olivia mouthing “be right back” as she disappeared out the room. “Wait, you’re not going to come? Elliot, this is your kid that’s about to be born. Don’t you think you should be here?” She whispered harshly into the phone, smiling at the nurses whose attention she had caught. She made her way into a quiet corner of the floor. 

“Of course I do, but she already made it clear that she didn’t want me there.” 

“Yea she told me that too, the difference between you and I is that I wasn’t dumb enough to actually listen to her. Look, I’m still here and I’m not going to let her stubbornness get in the way of what she really needs, and that’s some support, Elliot. So stop moping for five minutes and get your ass down here.” 

“Look, Casey, it’s important for a woman to be as comfortable as she can possibly get during labor, and that’s not going to happen with me there.” 

“Then the least you can do is come and sit in the fucking waiting room!” She said louder than intended, gaining the attention of the other people around her. 

“Ma’am?” 

“Hold on,” she mumbled into the phone. “Yes,” Casey smiled at the nurse. 

“Ms. Benson’s asking for you.” 

“Ok, tell her I’ll be right there.” 

“She said that if you said that to tell you to get your ‘pasty white ass’ over there now. She was also adamant about me using those specific words, too.” 

“Ok.” She moved briskly back towards Olivia’s room. 

“Is that him?” Olivia asked. 

“Yea,” Casey replied and handed Olivia the phone when she reached for it. 

“Elliot?” 

“Olivia?” 

“Elliot please, come.” 

“Liv-” 

“Look, I’m sorry. I take it back. I take back everything I said to make you not want to be here right now, but I need you. I need you here with me to help me through this, so please. Please come here.” When there was no response she admitted her deepest secret at that moment. “I’m scared.” 

With those two final words and the way her voice hitched ever so slightly, he knew. He had to be there. “I’m on my way.” 

******************************** 

Elliot walked in just in time to see Olivia hunched over and groaning in pain. Casey winced as she heard another cracking sound come from her hand. “Guess I came just in time.” 

“Elliot!” Casey exclaimed, clearly relieved. 

He nodded towards her and walked over to Olivia. “Hey.” 

“Thanks so much for coming.” She wrapped her arms around him and he hugged her back. 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He said. She nodded then tensed, letting out a loud moan as she did so. “She didn’t take Lamaze?” 

“I tried to convince her to do it, but I’m guessing now you can figure out how that argument went.” Casey said.

He sighed Olivia and her damn pride. “Ok. Olivia. I need you do something for me. Can you do that.” 

She shook her head no. “Aren’t I already doing enough?” 

“This will help you. Now all you have to do is take a deep breath in…” She did as he said, locking her eyes with his. “And let it out slowly.” She followed is instructions and felt the pain lessen ever so slightly. “Now repeat.” He did this with her until the contraction passed. 

“Thank you.” She breathed. 

“You’re welcome. Now I take it you haven’t gotten an epidural yet.” 

“No, the doctor told her she hadn’t dilated enough yet.” Casey said.

“When was this?” 

“An hour ago.” 

“’K.” He walked out into the hall and asked the nurse to page her OB. A few minutes later a doctor in blue scrubs showed up. “Who are you?” 

“I’m Dr. Harper, miss Benson’s OB for tonight. For some reason we are unable to reach her original OB and I’m the doctor on call.” 

“Ok. She needs an epidural.” 

“I checked her and hour ago and she was only two centimeters dilated. She has to be at least four to receive an epidural.” 

“That was an hour ago. Can you check her again?” 

“Sir, I-” 

“Hey, sorry I’m late I didn’t miss anything did I?” Dr. Philips said as he came jogging in from down the hall. 

“Where the hell have you been?” Elliot demanded. 

“I was at another hospital delivering another baby and I misplaced my pager. Found it and came straight here. So, what’s going on now?” 

“This guy was just about to explain to me why he’s not going to give Olivia an epidural.” 

“What’s the problem?” Philip’s asked the doctor. 

“When I last checked her she was only two centimeters dilated, and I highly doubt she moved two centimeters in an hour.” 

“Ok. Can I have my patient’s chart?” Harper handed it over. “Thank you. Your services are no longer needed here.” The other doctor nodded and left. “Just give me a moment to change and wash up and I’ll be right there.” 

Moments later Dr. Philips had returned dressed in green scrubs. He checked her and after finding out that she was about four centimeters he quickly called the anesthesiologist to give her the epidural she had been dying for. 

“Hello Olivia. I’m Dr. Lye, I’ll be giving you your epidural.” 

“Great. Now enough with the preliminaries and give me some drugs.” 

“Ok. Nurse, lets help her sit up.” 

Elliot, Casey, and the nurses helped her up into a sitting position, her legs dangling off the side of the bed. 

“Okay Olivia. I’m going to give you a local to help numb the area, so you’re going to feel a small prick and then maybe a little stinging.” 

She nodded, as Elliot took both her hands in his and stooped down before her. 

“Alright, now I need you to hold perfectly still. I’m going to insert the catheter.” 

Elliot rubbed calming circles over the back of her hand trying his best to soothe her. She gripped his hands a little tighter and he looked up to see her face contort in pain. “Hold on Liv, just a few more seconds.” 

She nodded. 

“You’re doing so great.” 

“All done,” the doctor announced. “Now we’re going to have you lay on your side. It may be more uncomfortable, but it will help with the labor.” 

“Ok,” she answered. 

After they had Olivia situated, Elliot saw Casey pick up her things. “Case, where are you going?” he asked. 

“I’m gonna go park my pasty white ass in the waiting room and wait for this little girl to make her big debut.” 

“No, Casey you’ve been here just as much as I have. Maybe more, you should be here.” 

“You’re right, but Elliot, this is something you two need to do together.” 

In those words he understood everything she was trying to tell him. “Thank you, Casey.” 

“Good luck.” 

“Elliot?” 

He quickly left Casey and she quietly disappeared into the hallway, closing the door behind her. He walked over to where she laid and pulled up a chair beside her bed as he took her hand in his. “I’m right here.” 

“Thanks for coming.” 

“There’s no place I’d rather be.” 

************************ 

“I’m never having sex again!” Olivia cried as she bore down and pushed through yet another contraction. 

“C’mon Liv, you’re doing great,” Elliot coached from beside her. 

He had been great. Throughout the whole experience he had been great. He had stayed by her side for the remaining five hours it took for her to dilate to ten centimeters. He had held her hand and allowed her to squeeze it to the point where his knuckles cracked. As she pushed he had coached her from the top of the bed. His eyes locking with hers, his main focus was her the entire time. 

“Okay, Olivia stop pushing. Her head is crowning,” Dr. Philips called from the foot of the bed. 

She collapsed back against the bed as he used a damp cloth to wipe her forehead. “I can’t do this anymore,” she panted. 

“Yes you can, Liv. You’re doing great.” 

“I feel like she’s splitting me in two,” 

“It’s almost over.” 

“Please Elliot, you don’t know shit.” 

“That may be true, but I’ve been through this a few times and I know that once the head is out it’s almost over.” 

“Ow!” she moaned. “Ow, that hurts.” 

“Just the head crowning,” Dr. Philips said as he watched the head slowly slide out. “Suction,” he asked one of the nurses and quickly cleared the baby’s airway. 

“I hate you,” Olivia sighed tiredly. 

“I know,” he replied, kissing her forehead. 

“Alright Olivia. One more push that’s all we need. Just one more big push. Give it all you’ve got.” 

“Ready, Liv?” Elliot asked gripping her hand. 

She nodded and when the next contraction hit, she took a deep breath and pushed . 

“Harder, Olivia,” Dr. Philips coached. 

Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to sit up further. “C’mon Liv, you can do this.” 

She squeezed her eyes shut and clenched Elliot’s hand in a white knuckle grip as she drew on the strength she didn’t know she had left. A single tear rolled down her flushed face as she groaned out her pain and frustrations. She felt the shoulders slide through first and then narrow slender hips, before she heard “Look Liv, she’s here.” 

She opened her eyes in time to see the tiny infant’s mouth gape open before she let out a heartwarming wail. 

Her eyes filled with tears of joy as Dr. Philips placed the squalling infant on her chest. The nurses rubbed vigorously to warm the young child as the doctor clamped off the umbilical cord. Olivia lost herself in the blue of her newborns eyes through all the commotion and excitement that surrounded them. 

“Elliot, would you like to do the honors?” 

He caught Olivia’s eyes for a brief second and she nodded her approval. “Sure,” he told the doctor. His hand shook slightly as he cut the cord, but he smiled inwardly at the honor that had been bestowed upon him. 

“We just need to take her for a moment,” one of the nurses said as she carefully took the now calm infant from her mother. 

“Ok,” Olivia answered, her gaze never leaving the tiny infant. 

She delivered the placenta as they weighed the baby and took her height. Olivia sat up as they returned the baby to her, wrapped in a hospital issued blanket and her dark hair covered in a white cap. 

“She’s perfectly healthy. Born on June 2nd at 4:02 AM, weighing six pounds four ounces, and twenty inches long. An 8 on the APGAR scale.” 

Elliot sat down beside Olivia, his thigh pressed against hers as he peered over at the small child in her arms. Both continued to stare as the nurses busied themselves with cleaning up the room. 

“Does this little one have a name yet?” One of the nurses asked. 

“Can she have my name?” he asked before she could answer. 

She nodded and turned her attention to the nurse. “Her name is Kayla, spelled K-A-Y-L-A Michelle Stabler.” 

“S-T-A-B-L-E-R,” Elliot finished grinning proudly. 

“Beautiful, name,” the nurse said before stepping out of the room, leaving the new formed family to themselves. 

“Look what we did,” Olivia said mesmerized by the tiny life she held in her arms. 

“She’s beautiful, Liv.” Elliot said after a few moments of silence. 

“No,” she shook her head. “She’s perfect.” 

He smiled up at her and tucked a damp tendril behind her ear. She looked up at him, her brown meeting his blue and leaned forward. Her lips touched his and his tongue slid out to caress her bottom lip. She pulled away slowly and rested her forehead against his. 

“She looks just like you,” he murmured, still mesmerized by the tiny miracle Olivia held in her arms. “Can I hold her?” he asked. 

She nodded and carefully placed the now sleeping infant in his arms. He stood, cradling his youngest child in his arms and swayed slightly as he gazed at her. He slid his large finger into her tiny hand and smiled when she griped it as if it were her only lifeline. Olivia laid back and watched the two as her eyes began to droop. 

“Hi. I’m your Daddy. I know you probably haven’t heard much from me, but from what your mother told me you recognize my voice. Now I know I haven’t been the greatest father so far, but I’m going to make a promise to you right now. I’m going to be a good father-no a great father - to you no matter what happens between your mother and I. I’m going to be here for you whenever you need me, and I promise that I will always be there for you no matter what.” 

He looked over and found Olivia fast asleep, exhausted from the six hours of labor and the hour of actual child birth. He took a seat in a nearby chair and continued to talk to his daughter. “Well I guess I’ll just wait here until the nurse comes back to get you and take you to the nursery. Then I’ll put your aunt Casey out of her misery and let your pseudo-uncles know that you have arrived. Till then we’ll get to know each other. Now you have four other siblings: one brother and three sisters…”


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia heard a knock on her room door as she tried desperately to feed her squalling infant. “Just a minute,” she called back. “Come on baby, what’s the matter? It’s there, all you have to do is take it.” 

The door cracked open and Elliot slid through, carrying a vase of a yellow roses. “Hey,” he said. 

She glanced up at him briefly “Hey.” 

She turned her attention back to the small infant who was rooting frantically in search of food. Her tiny exposed legs kicked frantically as the soft creamy flesh of her skin turned a bright red, equally frustrated that she wasn’t able to get the food and also feeding off of her mother’s anxiety. 

She began to wail and Olivia let out a ragged sigh and swiped at her tears. 

“Whoa, what’s the matter?” He asked as he quickly slid the vase onto her bedside table. 

“I can’t- I’m a horrible mother.” 

“No you’re not. Now tell me, what’s the problem?” 

“I can’t get her to eat. She’s hungry. I know she’s hungry. The nurse told me she was hungry. But she won’t eat.” 

“Ok. Ok. Here.” He moved to help her, but stopped just short of touching her. “Can I?” 

“Please.” 

He lifted the unhappy infant into his arms and took one of the pillows from behind her back and placed it across her lap. He laid Kayla on it and then pushed her closer to her mother’s nipple. 

“Ok. Now just squeeze a little bit out so that she knows it’s there.” 

“How do I?” 

“Make a peace sign and press it against your nipple.” 

She did as he said, squeezing milk out onto the baby’s plush pink lips, which only caused her to become more agitated. 

“It’s not working.” 

“Hold on. Now she knows where to look. Now, just bring her closer and hold the nipple steady, and let her do the rest.” 

Once again she did as he said and watched and waited as Kayla continued to root until she finally found what she was looking for. Olivia let out a grateful sigh and watched as her daughter curled up to her and settled against her. She then began to stroke the little girl’s exposed leg, left out from the hospital issued onesie that she wore. 

“See, you just gotta give her some time. She’s learning just like you are. Don’t get frustrated, because she feels your stress and that just causes more problems.” 

“So I see. This is hard,” she sighed. 

“You’ll learn. Also you should probably wrap her up when she’s done.” 

“Yea. The nurse said it reminds them of the womb.” 

“Yea. I’m surprised they brought her in like that.” 

“They didn’t. She was wrapped up, but she was so frustrated and fighting the blanket and me, that she was getting kinda warm, so I took it off her.” 

He nodded. 

“So, where were you yesterday?” 

“Umm. Around . I had some things I needed to do.” 

“Things more important than coming to see your daughter?” 

“Olivia, please don’t start.” 

“Don’t start? You say that like I don’t have a right to be upset.” 

“Look. I was busy and had things to do. Ok?” His phone rang, interrupting the heated argument. “Stabler,” he answered. Olivia watched and listened in to his side of the conversation, clearly angry with him. “I gotta go.” 

“Of course you do.” 

“Look its work.” 

“One more thing more important than your daughter.” 

“Now you’re starting to sound like Kathy.” He winced when he realized what he said. 

“Get. Out.” 

“Olivia I’m sorry.” 

“Out.” 

He sighed dejectedly and left the room. 

************************* 

The next day Elliot walked through the open door of her hospital room. He watched as she finished dressing Kayla and then cradled her in her arms. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I came to see you guys. You leaving?” 

“Yea. Doctors said we’re good to go and insurance isn’t going to cover us if we stay longer than needed.” 

He nodded. “Need help?” he asked, motioning to her bags. 

“You mean you actually have time?” 

He looked down and saw the car seat and the holder. 

“Who brought that for you?” he asked pointing to the car seat. 

“Casey.” 

“So when is she coming for you?” 

“She’s not.” 

“So how are you getting home?” 

“Cab.” 

“No,” he shook his head defiantly. 

“Elliot.” 

“I’m driving you.” 

“That’s Ok.” 

“Look I’m not letting some crazy cab driver drive my family home.” He grabbed her bags and the car seat and left the room. 

He returned a few minutes later and walked into her room to see her sitting on the bed, gazing admirably at their daughter. “You all set?” 

“Yea.” 

“’K. Is there anything else you want me to bring?” 

“Just the baby bag the nurse just dropped off.” 

“Ok. Did she get all her shots?” 

“Yea.” 

“And she passed the car seat test I assume.” 

“With flying colors.” 

“Alright let’s go. Wait, did you want a chair or something?” 

She glared at him. 

“Just checking. Let’s go.” 

She allowed him to wrap his arm around her shoulder as she walked out carrying Kayla in her arms. Most of her anger towards him had dissipated because of what he’d said before he left. My family. She finally had a family to call her own. She would no longer spend Christmases uncomfortably watching her friends and their families interact, because now she was a part of a family. His family. As the mother of his fifth and most likely last child, she had earned her rightful place in the family fold. She was family. 

************************   
Elliot dropped her bags in the apartment, but continued to hold onto the car seat that held the youngest and tiniest Stabler. 

“Where do you want me to put her?” 

“Umm. Here, you can give her to me. I’m gonna go put her down.” 

She walked into the nursery and put the car seat in the corner before lifting Kayla out of it and laying her in her crib. She looked up to see white, sparkling wooden letters that spelled her daughter’s name hanging on the wall over the crib. She smiled and walked back out to the living room where Elliot was still standing. 

“You did that?” she asked thumbing back towards the nursery. 

“Yea, you like it?” 

“I do. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome” They stood in awkward silence before he continued. “Ok. I’m gonna go now.” He bent down and kissed Kayla’s forehead then turned to walk out the door. 

“Wait. You’ll come back. To see her right?” 

“Sure.” 

He turned and left, closing the door behind him, and as he walked down the hallway he couldn’t believe how easy it was to lie to her face.


	10. Chapter 10

Stabler! My office, now!” 

Elliot sighed and stood up lazily from his seat. He sauntered over to Cragen’s office and closed the door behind him. “Yes.” 

“I just received another call from yet another defense attorney saying that you beat up their client.” 

“And you believed them?” 

“Yes, Elliot. When it’s the third call in just this week, yes, I believe them. Now, if this keeps up I’m going to have 1PP all over my ass and I don’t know what to do with you.” 

“Do what you please.” 

“Excuse me? Do you want to lose your job?” 

“Well, I don’t know what you want me to do.” 

“Apologize.” 

“I am not apologizing for anything. Those assholes deserve what they got.” 

“Not when they’re innocent. The guy you just gave a black eye? His alibi just checked out.” 

“So.” 

“You need to apologize or I don’t know if I’m going to be able to save your job.” 

“Well then I guess I should start looking.” 

“Elliot, do you understand what I’m saying. You can lose your job. Your job and your pension.” 

“Tell 1PP to keep it,” he said standing. 

Cragen quickly moved from around his desk and cut him off before he could reach the door. “Elliot, what’s wrong with you?” 

He took in his detective’s disheveled appearance. His eyes bloodshot, as they had been for the past two weeks. He figured the baby was giving them a run for their money, because Elliot no longer wore ironed suits and pressed shirts. They looked like crumpled messes that he pulled out of the dryer before coming to work. He hadn’t seen him in a tie either, and those were the days that he even bothered in wearing suits. He had been tired and irritable. What didn’t make sense was his temper was shorter than ever, he wanted to contribute that to the obvious lack of sleep, but that didn’t explain the new weight loss and the extra time in the gym. 

“Go home. Spend time with your daughter.” 

“Can’t they’re out of town.” 

“Olivia went out of town? I just talked to her the other day she didn’t say anything about…” 

“Oh. Her,” he said as if he had forgotten that Olivia had given birth to his fifth child only three weeks ago. 

“Elliot. When was the last time you saw your daughter, Kayla.” 

He didn’t answer. “Elliot, something’s wrong with you and I’m not really all that sure what. So this is what I’m going to do. Take the rest of the week off and see your kid, and pay a little visit to Huang. He’ll be expecting you. You’re not allowed back until he clears you.” 

************************ 

He sat and starred at the bottle in front of him and the shot beside it. Both had been sitting there, taunting him, intimidating him. He hadn’t had a drink in forever. Nine months to be exact. Not when it had caused him to lose the one woman that had become his world. He vowed the night he left her apartment, after they had broken up, that he would never drink again. Not until he had gotten her back as rightfully his. He had yet to do that, and so he had yet to take a drink. 

But he wanted to so bad, like he had many nights before. Finn slid in beside him and took his beer. 

“Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome,” he said void of emotion. 

“So you wanna tell me what crawled up your ass and died?” 

“Not really.” 

“Well you better tell me anyway. ’Cause I don’t give a shit what you want.” 

“I miss my daughter.” 

“Who, Kayla?” 

“Yea.” 

“Then why don’t you go and see her?” 

“Because I can’t.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I can’t get close.” 

“Why?” 

“Because if I do… When I do she’s going to take her from me, and I can’t handle that.” 

“Elliot, you don’t know that for sure.” 

“It happened with her. I was in love with her. I am still in fucking love with her, and I can’t be with her.” 

“You know we were all pissed at you for that.” 

“No kidding.” 

“What happened.?” 

“I don’t know. I had dinner with Kathy and the kids, next thing I know it’s the next day and I’m waking up in bed beside her. I never meant for anything to happen.” 

“Well it did and it’s time that you not only own up to it, but also accept it. You cheated on her. You hurt her. Y-” 

“You don’t think I know that. Yes I hurt her, and now I’m hurting because of it. I’m afraid to get to know my own daughter. My own daughter, because I’m afraid that once I do it won’t be enough. Seeing her every other weekend and spending a few hours a day with her will not. Be. Enough. And what if she meets someone and moves away. I’ll never see her. What if she doesn’t want me to-” 

“And what if she just wants you to get to know your daughter. What if she doesn’t plan on moving away and taking her away from you. What if she just wants you to be a decent father to her child and for you guys to rebuild whatever you have left of your relationship. Look, I wasn’t the greatest father to my son, and now I’m trying to fix that. You have a chance to fix all the damage you’ve done by being a father to your daughter. Now here’s what you’re going to do. Either you drink that shot and spend the rest of the night drinking yourself into oblivion. Or you get up off your self-deprecating ass and go see your kid. I’m done here,” he said standing. “And thanks for the drink.” 

Elliot watched the man walk out of the bar then stared back at the shot in front of him. To drink? Or not to drink?


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia carefully got up and settled her sleeping infant in the nearby bassinet. The baby began to fuss and Olivia quickly located the pacifier and popped it in the baby’s mouth, which soothed her and lulled her to sleep. 

Olivia let out the breath that she didn’t realize she was holding and ran her fingers through her hair. She picked up the stray bottles and pacifiers off the couch and headed to the kitchen, glancing back at the phone as she passed. She turned back to pick it up, but stopped just shy of touching the receiver. She sighed, trudged back into the kitchen, and dumped the contents in her hands into the sink. She ran the water and began to scrub the bottles and prepared them for sterilization. 

She didn’t understand. He said he would be there for her. To help her out, to be a father to her child. His child. Yet here she stood, playing the role of single mother, without a single ounce of experience. She cursed herself every night she woke up for not taking those baby-sitting classes when they were offered in middle school. 

Her eyes blurred and she slammed the pacifier she held in her hand into the sink, cursing when it bounced back up and hit her in the forehead. She covered her face and let the tears come. She thought she would have gotten it by now, but she still spent hours trying to get her daughter back to sleep every night, only for her to wake a few hours later. The mind numbing search would then begin with figuring out what was wrong, fixing it, and then settling the young infant down again. 

Her apartment was a mess. She swore she hadn’t had more than twelve hours of sleep in the past week. Her hair was greasy because she didn’t have enough time to wash it when she showered. The last time she tried she ended up getting soap in her eyes when she was forced to jump out and tend to her daughter, which definitely didn’t help the process. She didn’t even have time to deal with her body’s post birth functions. 

She remembered thinking this would be easier. Not because she necessarily felt that taking care of children was easy, but because she was supposed to have help. He told her-no he promised her that he would be there to help her with this. Help her through this. She just didn’t understand why he had gone back on his promise. She didn’t really care that he hadn’t helped her out at all, but mostly that he was neglecting his duties as a father to her child. He hadn’t held her since she was born. Not even in the days after her birth when she was still in the hospital. She called the guys to see how he was doing, to see if something was wrong or had happened to him that she didn’t know about that kept him from seeing them, but all had told her that he was fine and was working as usual. She didn’t understand. The one thing she knew she could swear on her own life about Elliot Stabler, was that he was great father. She always admired the way he loved unconditionally, and was constantly devoted to his children. So why not her child? What was so different about her child? She had his genes. His eyes. The only difference was that Olivia was the mother instead of Kathy. 

She swiped away her tears and went back to washing. She had to be strong, and she’d be damned if she wasted any more tears over Elliot Stabler. If he didn’t want to be in his daughter’s life then that was his loss. She was raised without a father and she didn’t turn out that bad, right? As long as she was the loving, caring, and attentive mother she always planned on being, her daughter would be fine. With or without Elliot Stabler. 

She heard a knock at her door just as she was placing the bottles and pacifiers in a pot to be sterilized. She turned down the fire and went to answer the door. Her anger resurfaced when she saw him standing on the other side. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked, flinging the door open. 

Elliot looked up from his defeated stance, and stopped bracing against her door post. 

“Liv-” 

“Where the fuck have you been? Elliot, I sure as hell didn’t get myself pregnant and I’m sure as hell not raising her on my own, let me tell you that.” 

“Olivia-” 

“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this. She’s just as much your daughter as any of your other children , and you’re supposed to love and treat her just like how you treat them, and it’s not fair to her o-” 

“Olivia!” he strained. “I came to see my daughter. Please, just let me see her.” 

It was then that she took in his disheveled appearance. His crushed suit, and the way it hung loosely off of his body. He had lost weight. She took in the way the blue in his eyes shined even brighter through the bloodshot white. His hair was longer than she’s ever seen it before and his face was drawn. He was tired and lost and needed to come home. 

She stepped back and held the door open for him to come in. “She’s sleeping in the living room.” 

He nodded and headed over to wear his daughter slept in her bassinet. He approached it cautiously and peered inside to see his daughter fast asleep. Her hands rested on either side of her head her stomach, rising and falling with every passing breath. 

“No-” Olivia tried to protest when he reached in to lift her, but she wasn’t fast enough. She flinched when she heard the hiccup and the starting of yet another crying session. She moved to take her from him when he amazed her by shifting the baby down into his arms and began to sway ever so slightly. He placed her pacifier in her mouth and the young babe began to drift back to sleep. 

He sat down in the chair and ran his fingers over the soft fabric of her pink fleeced pants. He pulled off the white socks she wore on her tiny feet, and took the time to count and admire her tiny toes. She had Olivia’s toes. He put the sock back on and fingered the pink bow on the crew neck of her long sleeved onesie. Her features had developed a little bit more since the last time he saw her. She was Olivia’s spittin’ image. She had her lips, her nose, her cheeks, and her chin, but she had his ears. 

She was beautiful. 

Perfect. 

He shifted her and rested her against his chest. He pulled off the white cap she wore on her head and kissed her downy hair. He cradled her head in his large hand, her dark hair feeling like silk against his finger tips. He inhaled her unique scent and kissed her head once again. It was then that his resolve broke and the tears came. 

“I’m so sorry Liv.” 

She crossed the room in that instant and sat down beside him. “Shh. It’s ok. It’s ok,” she crooned. She picked up the hat and tried to back on her daughter’s head. 

“No,” he protested. “I want to feel her.” 

“I know El, but the AC’s on and I don’t want her to get sick.” 

He allowed her to put the hat back on and continued to rub her back. “I’m so sorry Liv. I never meant-” 

“Shh. It’s okay, relax. Spend some time with her.” 

He nodded and closed his eyes. He forgot what a comfort it was to hold a baby. There was a flash behind his eyelids and he opened them to see Olivia standing there with a camera. 

“I’m making her a baby book. She doesn’t have any pictures with her daddy.” 

He smiled and closed his eyes. She watched them for a moment and knew that they would be okay. That little Kayla Stabler was a daddy’s girl, and always would be. For the simple fact that the last time she tried to move a sleeping Kayla from her bed to the bassinet beside it she didn’t end up sleeping until the next day. Kayla ended up sleeping beside her. She left the two alone and went back to the kitchen to finish tidying up. 

**************************** 

Elliot stirred awake at the sound of pots clinking. He moved to get up and realized Kayla was still asleep against his chest. He smiled. He had spent all of five minutes with her and he was already in love with her. He sat up slowly and easily shifted Kayla down into his arms. He used one hand to rub the sleep from his eyes as he yawned. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey,” he grunted. 

“You sleep okay?” 

“Yea. Thanks.” 

“You hungry? I made some dinner.” 

“Yea, thanks that’d be great.” 

Just as she left Kayla hiccupped a cry and he began to rock her trying to soother her back to sleep. Olivia left and returned a few minutes later with a plate full of spaghetti with salad and garlic bread on the side. 

“Here, we’ll switch. She’s hungry too.” 

She gave him the plate and took the hungry baby out of his arms. She sat down beside him and easily adjusted Kayla to her breast. In no time the young babe was suckling away. 

“I see you’ve gotten better at that.” 

“Yea, kinda had to.” 

He nodded and began to virtually inhale his food. It had been so long since he tasted home cooking and Olivia was a surprisingly good cook. In the first seven years he had known her, he never once heard her mention cooking, but when they started going out she cooked for him all the time, and spaghetti was his favorite. She managed to make a sauce that was to die for and he enjoyed it every time. He looked over at her when she hissed. 

“You ok?” 

“Yea. Just when she’s hungry she tends to get a little carried away. I usually try to feed her before she gets too hungry so that she doesn’t use my breast as a chew toy.” 

“Why didn’t you wake her to feed her?” 

“Because you looked like you could use the rest and I knew once I took her you’d wake up too.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. I don’t think she’s ever slept that long. Gave me a chance to get a lot done.” 

“How much done?” 

“I managed to do her laundry and most of mine. I finished cleaning up the kitchen, and had a chance to take a shower that lasted longer than five minutes, and I actually got a chance to wash my hair, and cook a decent meal.” 

He looked over and saw the curls in her ponytail. Some of them still wet. “Didn’t get a chance to blow dry huh?” 

“No need. Who am I trying to impress?” 

He nodded. “How have things been?” 

She glanced down at the little baby suckling away from her breast. “I’m not gonna lie. They haven’t been easy, but I’m getting better. I’m getting to know her better, and I’m starting to get her on a decent schedule that allows me to sleep.” She looked up at him. “I really could have used your help.” Although she felt bad for him and whatever inner turmoil he was in, she wasn’t going to sugar coat what she had been going through, because he should have been there. 

“I know I’m sorry. I know I promised I’d help you out and instead I left you hanging in the wind.” 

Kayla finished nursing and Olivia shifted her to rest against her shoulder and started to pat her back. “You’re right. Elliot, where have you been? I thought something had happened to you.” 

“I was afraid… That you would take her from me once I got too close.” 

“Elliot, I would never do that to you.” 

“I know. I know. I’ve just… I’ve been in a really dark place these past few months, and I didn’t want to involve you guys in that.” 

“Have you thought about getting some help?” 

“Yea, but I think I’m wasting my money.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I don’t talk.” 

“Elliot, how do you expect them to help you if you won’t help yourself? You have to talk. You need to get better and get over this. If not for yourself, then for her. She needs her daddy, but how can you be a father to her if you can’t take care of yourself.” 

“I know. I’ll start talking at my next appointment, I promise.” 

“Good.” 

At that moment Kayla let out a loud burp. “She gets that from you, you know?” 

Elliot laughed. “Here, let me see her.” 

“No finish up, I have to change her and get her ready for bed.” 

“Already done.” 

She looked at his plate in shock. “Did you chew it at all?” 

“I think so.” 

“Let me change her,” she said, and moved to get up, but stop just short of doing so, wincing and groaning in pain. 

“You’re still in pain huh?” 

“Yea.” 

“Did the doctor recommend anything for it?” 

“Yes, but I haven’t really had the time to do it.” 

“Well here let me help you out for once,” he said lifting Kayla from her arms. 

“There’s a sleeper in the top drawer. Wipe her down and change her into it for me?” 

“Sure. Did you eat yet?” 

“Yea, right before you woke up.” 

He nodded and went into the nursery to take care of Kayla. He returned to find her fast asleep in the couch. Her head dangling in uncomfortable position. One that he knew would have her in serious pain by morning. He placed Kayla in the bassinet and lifted Olivia from the couch. He quickly tucked her in bed and returned just as Kayla hiccupped a cry. He gave her her pacifier and lifted her back out of the bassinet. He settled himself on the couch and nestled her in the crook of his arm. He glanced down at her and smiled when he saw her blue eyes staring back up at him. 

“You’re beautiful you know that?” 

Kayla yawned. 

“How ‘bout some TV until you fall asleep.” 

He used the remote to flick the television on and smiled when Kayla’s attention never wavered from his face. He loved the pure look of innocence and curiosity on her face. 

“Yea. I’m your daddy.”


	12. Chapter 12

The words on the page blurred and swirled in front of her. She leaned back in her chair and tried to clear away the sleep from her face. She yawed and drew her fingers through her hair before returning back to the report in front of her. 

“Liv, why don’t you turn in and head home?” Elliot said to her from his desk.

“I can’t. I gotta finish up this paper work. I’m behind enough as it is.” 

“Liv, you’re exhausted.” 

“I know, but I have to do this.” 

He shrugged his shoulders and conceded. He looked down at his watch then looked back up at her. “Liv, it’s six o’clock. You didn’t pick up Kayla.” 

“Casey has her. She’s keeping her for the night.” 

“Really?” 

“Yea. Claims she doesn’t get to spend any time with her god daughter, so I let her have her for tonight.” 

“You sure she’s ready to spend a night away from you?” 

“No, but I need the sleep, and Casey doesn’t live too far away.” 

“Kayla still wakes up at night?” 

“No. But she only sleeps till four. Which I’m not sure is any better.” 

“You tell Casey that?” 

She grinned mischievously. “No, I figured she could find that out for herself. Which reminds me, I need to go drop some stuff off for her.” 

“Well anytime you need some time alone or sleep or anything. I’m here. I can take her.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Look. Why don’t you go drop of the stuff with Casey and meet me at my place later for dinner.” 

“Elliot.” 

“C’mon, Liv. When was the last time you went out for dinner?” She didn’t respond. “Look we’ll go out. Get a burger and some fries, and then you can go home and get a good night’s sleep.” 

“Dinner and that’s it.” 

“That’s it.” 

************************* 

Olivia knocked on his door for what seemed like the twentieth time that night. She shivered as she hit the redial button on her cell phone, calling his house phone again since he wasn’t picking up his cell phone. His answering machine came on again. 

“Hi you’ve reached Elliot Stabler. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as possible.” 

“Hey, El it’s me. Umm, I guessing you’re not home yet seeing how you’re not answering the phone or answering the door. I’m just gonna head home and order in or something-” 

The door opened suddenly producing a wet Elliot. He held the towel around his waist as water and soap ran down his face and continued down over his hard broad chest. Sparse bubbles still clung to his shoulders, legs, and arms. 

“Sorry, I thought I heard the phone ringing, but I figured my mind was just playing tricks on me.” 

“Well, it wasn’t. I thought we were going out. Did you seriously just get home?” 

He stepped back and allowed her into his warm, heated apartment. “Yea I got caught up in finishing your paperwork.” 

“You did? Elliot you didn’t need to do that. I don’t want Cragen to think I can’t handle it.” 

“Olivia, Cragen knows more than anyone that you can do your job. You just got behind in your paper work, and you were so tired I just thought I’d help you out tonight.” 

“Thank you, but I can handle it.” 

“Alright. I’m going to go finish my shower. I’ll be right back.” 

“Take your time.” 

He headed back to the bathroom, leaving her alone in the living room. She took a seat on the couch and looked around his apartment. It had been nearly a year since the last time she had been there. She smoothed her hand over soft fabric of his black couch and reminisced over the number of times he had made love to her there. She picked up a picture frame that sat on the lamp table beside the couch. She glanced at the photo of them cuddled together on Casey’s couch on Thanksgiving two years back. It was when they had first begun to go out with each other. They were so happy that they actually smiled for the picture. She missed times like those. 

She placed the frame back in its place and stood to look at the photos that sat on the self on the wall. He had various pictures of his children over the years. She paused when she saw one the pictures she had given him of Kayla. The happy baby had smiled gladly for the cameraman as he snapped the photo of her amongst a bed full of crisp white sheets and fluffy white pillows. The golden sepia toned color of the photo highlighted her daughter’s exotic skin color. She picked up the photo and traced her daughter’s cheek and stared, mesmerized by the way her daughters piercing blue eyes showed through the color of the photo. She heard one of Elliot’s drawers close and snapped out of her reverie, the framed picture slipping from her fingers and shattering at her feet. She muttered an obscenity as she bent down to pick up the shattered pieces of glass. 

“Liv? You ok?” Elliot asked as he rushed out of his room. He came over and bent down to pick up the broken pieces of the picture frame. 

“Yea. I was just being a klutz. I’m so sorry. I’ll replace it I promise.” 

“No, it’s ok. I’ll just pick up a new one next time I’m out. Here why don’t you go sit down and I’ll finish picking this up.” 

“No, it’s ok. I got it, go finish getting ready, besides you have no shoes on, and I don’t want you to cut yourself.” She straightened up and it was then that she realized that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, either. She starred at the lean muscle of his arms as she grabbed for a piece of glass. “Shit,” she muttered as it sliced through finger and warm blood began to ease out of it. 

“Here, let me see,” Elliot said as he took her hand delicately into his palm. He brought her finger to his mouth and sucked away the blood then looked at it in the light to see that it was just a minor gash. “You’ll be fine.” 

“Well thank you Dr. Stabler,” she laughed and looked up, catching the glimmer in his eye at the way he looked at her. 

He leaned in closer to her and sealed his lips against hers. She pressed her lips back against his and parted them when she felt his tongue trace her bottom lip. His hand reached up and he slid his fingers into her hair. As he tongue probed her mouth she reminisced in the feeling of what it was like to kiss him again, and love him again, and then she remembered why she couldn’t. 

She pulled back abruptly, shaking her head. “I can’t.” 

“Wha…?” he wanted to ask, but before he could she was up and headed towards the door. He stood quickly ready to chase after her when he nearly stepped on the pile of glass they had formed. He quickly hopped over it and reached the door just as it slammed behind her. 

He slammed his fist against the wall and swore in frustration. Every time. Every time they got close, every time he thought that she was over what had happened and ready to move on with their future she always pushed him away, but this time he refused to let her run. He opened the door and was surprised to find her frozen right outside the threshold. 

She turned slowly tears streaming down her face and he quickly reached out and pulled her into his arms and his apartment. His lips slanted over hers and he closed the door and pressed her against it. He pushed his knee between her legs as he arched her leg around his waist and pressed her into the door behind them. His tongue traveled the depths of her mouth as her arms came up to circle around his neck. She could feel his erection straining against his jeans as he ground his hips against hers. He hurriedly slid her leather coat down her arms as his lips trailed down the column of her neck. He forcefully pulled at her shirt, buttons flying as pulled it open. He moved the cup of her bra as he laved at her nipple. She moaned his name and her hands reached down to the button and zipper on his jeans. 

He felt her fingertips lightly graze his straining erection and that alone sent him into overdrive. His fingers made quick work of the button and zipper on her jeans and he pulled them along with her underwear down quickly to tangle around her legs. She stepped out of them while he dropped his pants and boxer briefs to tangle around his own legs and stepped into her, lifting and settling her over his engorged penis. The sigh that escaped her parted swollen lips as she felt him fill her nearly had him coming then. He thrust up into her and attached his lips to her neck, touching the spot he knew she loved so much. His hips ground against hers as the sounds of her pleasure resounded in his ears. He felt a familiar tightening in his balls as her inner muscles continued to contract around him. He began to thrust inside her harder, determined to bring out her own orgasm before achieving his own. 

“Come for me baby,” He crooned in her ear as he continued to move inside her. “C’mon baby, come for me.” 

“Just a minute. Just give me a minute. Please…Just…” 

After a particularly forceful thrust she felt her inner walls crumble and she came hard, wrapped around him. Her nails clung to his back as she felt his warmth spread through her. 

In the moments after they remained against the wall. He counted still feel her contracting around him as they struggled to catch their breaths. He covered her mouth with his and her hands came up to cup his face. He finally stepped out of his jeans and underwear and pushed them off his door. He walked blindly, still inside her, towards his bedroom as her lips remained against his. Along the way she dropped what remained of her shirt and removed her bra.   
Once he entered the room, he laid her on the bed and covered her body with his as he moved his lips once again down her neck. He continued down her body, laving at her nipples. He blew gently on them and watched as they peeked from his touch. She moaned above him as she felt him grow hard inside her. Finding himself ready he pulled back, nearly falling completely away from her and pushed back slowly inside her. He continued the motions loving how good it felt to be inside her. To love her, and have his affections reflected back at him. 

His thrusts began to quicken as her moans once again filled his ears. He had just pushed deeper inside of her when he heard a shrill ringing in his ears. 

“Ignore it. It’s the apartment phone,” she whispered in his ear. 

He nodded and kept moving, until it rang again. He regretfully stopped and reached to answer it, hearing her groan and sigh of frustration. 

“I know, but I can’t hear my cell so Cragen might be trying to reach me through this one,” he said to her before answering, “Hello.” 

“Elliot! Oh thank God. Have you seen Olivia, I’ve been trying to reach her all night, but she hasn’t been answering either of her phones.” 

“Umm…” he glanced down at Olivia, silent communication passed between them. “No, Casey I haven’t seen her, but she told me you had Kayla for the night. Is everything ok?” He could hear his daughter crying in the background, he glanced down at Olivia, silent communication once again passed between them, and Olivia’s eyebrows furrowed as she sat up on her elbows. 

“Yes. No. I don’t know. She won’t stop crying. I’ve tried just about everything and I can’t get her to stop, and I think she has a fever. I didn’t think she still had that cold.” 

“Yea, she does. Give her some Tylenol, and her pacifier, and just kind of rock her. She should be fine.” 

“Yea, but I don’t have any baby Tylenol, and I wasn’t listening when Olivia told me.” 

“Check the baby bag,” he glanced at Olivia and she nodded.“Yea. There should be some in one of the side compartments there.” He heard some scuffling. 

“Ok. Yea. I found it. Thank you so much.” 

“You’re welcome. Call me if anything else happens.” 

“Alright. Goodnight.” 

“Night, Casey.” He clicked the phone off and put it back on the receiver. 

“Everything okay?” she murmured against his lips as he tried to kiss her. 

“Yea,” he answered before sliding his tongue between her lips. 

They began the age old dance once again, each intent on pleasing the other. They paid close attention to moans and groans, and loving the closeness that they shared with one another. They came together and settled down, wrapped in each other’s arms. They laid in a comfortable silence, neither wanting to disturb the sanctity of the moment. 

As Elliot began to fall asleep, Olivia’s mind began to wonder. She loved the feeling of being wrapped in Elliot’s arms; it had been one of the things she had missed about him, but as she continued to lay there she realized that laying in his arms wasn’t going to fix their problems, and sleeping with him wasn’t going to help either. She groaned inwardly. 

As much as she loved Elliot, she couldn’t trust him to be in a relationship with her. He had cheated on her and as much as she plagued herself with questions on the reason why she had yet to find one. Things had been going great between them. They had had a normal sex life, which was good from what she had surmised. It had been weeks since their last fight. She just couldn’t figure out what she had done wrong to make him turn back to his ex-wife, and if she hadn’t done wrong then how was she supposed to maintain a family with him? Kayla was her world now, and she couldn’t imagine doing anything to hurt her. She would rather die first, and starting a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, that was doomed to fail, would not only hurt her, but her daughter also. 

With that, she found herself disentangling herself from Elliot’s warm embrace and began searching for her clothes. She quickly pulled on her jeans and underwear and her torn shirt, buttoning the few buttons that remained. As she pulled on her coat she looked longingly at a sleeping Elliot and slipped quietly out the door.


	13. Chapter 13

Olivia closed her eyes as the warm water sluiced over her skin, washing away the soap bubbles and what remnants of Elliot that were left. Her heart ached from the turmoil that raged inside of her. As much as she wanted to be with Elliot, she couldn’t trust him, and no relationship with him would last with a lack of trust. 

She turned the pipe off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a warm towel around her. She used another to dry out some of the water out of her hair. She walked into her bedroom and began to look through her drawers to find something to wear to bed. She heard her cell phone ring and ignored it, knowing it was Elliot. Primed and ready to rant and rave about her leaving, but she was too tired and just not in the mood for a fight with him. Her apartment phone began to ring and she continued to ignore it as she pulled on a pair of sweat pants. The answering machine clicked on and Casey’s frantic voice came on. 

“Olivia. Olivia! Oh please, Oh God. If you’re there, pick up. Please pick up!” Kayla could be heard crying in the background. 

She quickly raced to phone and picked it up. “Hello? Casey It’s me, I’m here. What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t know, Liv. She just woke up and she’s been crying. And I think she threw up.” 

“Think she threw up?” 

“Well she puked the bottle up earlier, and I think I have jarred squash in my bed sheets right now so I think that’s throw up. She’s burning up right now, and I can’t give her anymore Tylenol, and Liv, I just. I don’t know what to do.” 

“Okay. Just hold on. I’ll be right there.” 

She quickly pulled on a sweatshirt and grabbed her keys before rushing out the door into the cold December frost.


	14. Chapter 14

He was angry. No, angry didn’t explain the emotions that he was feeling. Something like a mixture of anger, hurt, and regret. Angrehurt. Something like that. All he knew was when he saw her for the first time that morning was that he had a few choice words for her. He had woken sometime during the night before, expecting to feel a warm body beside him- her warm body - and was met with nothing but cold, empty sheets. After searching his apartment and coming up empty handed, he had lain awake in his bed thinking about everything that he wanted to say to her, and how it was time for them to stop playing their stupid games and handle their relationship - whatever relationship they seemed to have - like adults. 

As he entered the squad room, he found his desk chair empty and there was no sign of her even being there that morning. After sitting and waiting for her for about an hour and no answer to his insistent phone calls, he stood to head over to Cragen’s office to ask about her whereabouts just as she entered into the bullpen. 

He stared suspiciously at her choice of dress. Baggy sweats, and her hair was wavy like it hadn’t been blow dried. She looked up and spotted him. He moved towards her with rage fueling his steps. 

“Elliot, I need to talk to you.” He took her arm and pulled her up towards the crib. “Elliot look, I know you’re angry.” 

He laughed despicably as he closed the door behind him. “Angry? Angry doesn’t even cover it, Olivia.” 

“Elliot, can we please discuss this at another time and place? I-” 

“No we’re going to discuss this here and now.” 

“Elliot-” 

“I can’t believe you.” 

“Elliot, please,” she said rubbing her eyes tiredly. 

“You even went so far as to turn off your fucking cell phone. What if the Captain tried to call you how would you explain that?” 

“Elliot, my cell phone’s dead. It died after the fifteen million phone calls I had to make to get you to answer the door, and I didn’t get to charge it before I left my apartment last night.” 

“Why did you leave your apartment last night?” 

“Kayla’s sick. It’s why I’m here. Casey and I had to take her to the hospital last night.” 

It was then that he noticed the bags underneath her blood shot eyes, and how tired and drawn her face looked.“What? Why didn’t you call me?” 

“I was just so scared and frazzled and the phone was dead, and neither of us wanted to leave her…and…I’m sorry. I know it’s not an excuse, so I just came over here to get you.” 

“Ok, let’s go. We’ll talk about this later.” 

***************************

After a quick pit stop for Olivia to change her clothes, they stepped onto the Mercy General Pediatrics ward. They stepped into the nursery-styled room with six large cribs and walls painted with baby circus animals. Olivia supposed it was to make the room more comfortable for the children, but the cold, sterile environment seemed to diminish any chance of comfort while there. Elliot and Olivia walked pass the two other families sharing the room and offered friendly smiles as they made their way to where Casey stood. 

“How is she?” Olivia asked. 

“She’s doing great. I just finished feeding her and she went right back to sleep. Her doctor came by already, but he said he’d be back to fill you guys in.” 

“Good,” Olivia replied as she stared down at the sleeping infant.

“Excuse me, Ms. Benson?” The group looked up to see Kayla’s doctor step into the room. 

“Yes?” 

“Hi, I just wanted to give you an update on Kayla’s condition.” 

“Ok.” 

Elliot walked up to the doctor and offered his hand, “Hi I’m Elliot Stabler, Kayla’s father.” 

“Nice to meet you Mr. Stabler, I ’m Dr. Bright,” the doctor responded as he shook Elliot’s hand. 

“I was wondering if you could tell me what exactly is going on with my daughter? Olivia tried to explain to me something about rhinovirus?” 

“Yes. Your daughter has a pretty bad case of the rhinovirus, which is basically the common cold.” 

“Ok, but since when does having the sniffles get you admitted into the hospital?” 

“Well, in some cases things can get pretty bad, as was your daughter’s case. She had a pretty high fever, and the over-the-counter antibiotics Ms. Benson was giving her was doing nothing to help bring it down. She was also having a hard time keeping everything in, which resulted in a little dehydration. So we admitted her and brought down the fever and gave her some IV fluids. I just wanted to keep her one more night to make sure everything she’s eating is staying down and keep watch on her fever.” 

“So she’ll be ok?” Elliot asked.

“Yes, she’ll be back to sticking her fingers in places she shouldn’t and putting everything she can get her hands on in her mouth.”

Elliot smiled at that. “Alright. Thank You.” 

“You’re welcome. I’ll be back a little later to check up on her.” 

 

********************* 

Hours passed and Olivia now sat gently rocking her daughter as she nursed her. Casey had left soon after the doctor to handle some work on an impending case she had coming up. Elliot had to go and work on one of their cases that seemed to be going nowhere fast without at least one of its primary detectives. 

“Knock knock,” Casey said from the doorway. “Can I come in?” 

“Sure.” Casey walked into the room and took a seat opposite of Olivia. “Hows the case going?”   
“Good. I got most of the paper work and research done today and I have witness in the morning.” Olivia nodded silently, as she focused her gaze on her daughter. “How’s she doing?” 

“Good. Doc says her vitals are good and so far everything that’s gone in has stayed in. He says we can bring her home tomorrow if her tests are negative.” 

“That’s good. How’ve you been holding up?” 

“What?” 

“Oh c’mon Olivia, it’s me you’re talking to. I know I was scared shitless last night, and I’m not ever her mother. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.” 

“Yea, I was scared, but I’m just glad she’s ok now. That I can hold her and be with her like this.” 

Casey nodded. “So where were you last night?” At Olivia’s lack of response she went ahead with her first guess. “You were with him, weren’t you?” She said knowingly. At Olivia’s unkempt smile she continued. “I knew it! So this means you two are back together. That’s great!” 

“No, Casey. We’re not.” 

“What do you mean you’re not? Olivia, how many times must we go through this? Ok. Again from the beginning. You love him. He loves you. You both have a baby together. I don’t see the problem.” 

“The problem is- look. I can’t deal with this now so can we just drop it?” 

“Drop what?” 

Both women turned around to see Elliot standing in the doorway. “Nothing,” Olivia answered. “We were just having a little girl talk.” 

Casey stood from her seat and smiled at Olivia’s deer in the headlights look and the pleading in her eyes. “I have an early morning tomorrow. I just wanted to come by and see how my favorite goddaughter was doing. I’ll see you guys later.” She walked out, easily maneuvering herself around Elliot’s broad frame before stepping into the open hall. 

Elliot walked into the room and placed a brown paper bag on the table. “Brought you dinner. Fettuccini Alfredo. Your favorite.” 

“Thanks.” 

“How she doing?” 

“Doctor said we can bring her home tomorrow.” 

“Good.” 

“How’s the case?” 

“Not so good. She’s so scarred of this bastard that she’s starting to recant her story. Haung’s working with her now.” 

Olivia stood and walked over to her daughter’s designated crib and lowered her down inside and began to tuck her in under the covers. 

“So are we going to talk about last night, or do you want to continue acting like it never happened?” 

“Elliot please. This is not the time and it definitely isn’t the place. We’ll talk about this later.” 

“Damn right we will. We’re going to talk eventually, Olivia. So don’t think you can avoid this forever, because I’m not going to let this go.” With that, he got up and left the room, leaving Olivia alone with their daughter.


	15. Chapter 15

Olivia turned the key in the lock of the door to her apartment and opened it wide, allowing Elliot to step through with Kayla sleeping peacefully against his shoulder. Once he was inside the apartment she closed the door behind him and sighed heavily, dreading and mentally preparing herself for the impending conversation that was definitely about to come. 

“Here, let me put her down,” she said reaching for Kayla. 

“Okay, I’ll be out here waiting,” he replied handing the baby over and giving Olivia a knowing look. 

After Olivia tucked Kayla into her crib she stepped back out into the living room. She took one glance at the gentle curve of Elliot’s arched back and headed for the kitchen. She closed the refrigerator door after taking out a can of coke and a bottle of water, only to turn around and find Elliot hovering behind her. 

“Trying to hide from me?” 

“Yes, Elliot. I’m going to hide behind the fridge when I know you’re sitting out in the living room waiting for me,” she rolled her eyes and tossed him the can of soda. “I was just grabbing us something to drink so we could talk.” 

“Fine. Let’s talk,” he said, slamming the can down on the table and glaring at her. 

“Look, don’t take that tone with me. I’m trying to have a civilized conversation with you like a normal adult. Now, can we please act like two normal adults and talk like civilized people.” 

“Olivia, at this point I’m so far past civilized right now. You say that you don’t want to get back together, and then you sleep with me, next thing I know you’re gone.” 

“I’m sorry about that, ok.” 

“No. Not ok. Do you know what that feels like? What if some guy did that to you? Huh? What if you slept with some guy and woke up barely even hours later to find the space beside you empty. How would you feel?” 

“Ok, I get it-” 

“No you don’t!” 

“Yes I do! I’m sorry ok. But I didn’t know what to do. I freaked out!” 

“Why?!” 

“Because!” She shouted as she walked back into the living room. 

“Because what?!” He shouted back trailing behind her. 

“Because I was scared!” She said turning around to shout in his face. She sat down slowly on the couch. “I was scared. I was there lying beside you and I was happy, and then I remembered everything we went through, and how hard it was for me to let you go, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just stay there and in the morning act like everything was ok. And what if we didn’t work out? I couldn’t do that to Kayla. I saw what it did to your kids. What it’s still doing to your kids, and I can’t do that to her.” 

“So you’re using our daughter as shield. Nice Olivia. Real nice.” 

“I wasn’t finished. Then I thought about the pain you put me through, and getting over you was the hardest thing that I ever had to do, and I can’t imagine doing that... going through that again.” 

“But I thought you forgave me for that.” 

“I did.” 

“Then I don’t understand,” he said shaking his head as he lowered himself to sit beside her. “Do you even love me?” 

“What?” 

“Do you love me?” 

“Elliot…Of course I love you. You’re Kayla’s father and-” 

“No. Do you love me. Just me. Not as Kayla’s father or anything else. Just. Me.” 

“Yes.” 

“Then I don’t understand. I love you. You love me. Why can’t we just be together?” 

“Because.” 

“Because, because because, because! Just be out with it and tell me!” 

“No. You know what? I can’t deal with this right now.” She stood up, but before she could walk away he had his hand wrapped around her wrist and pulled her down. Once seated, he took her other hand in his and pulled her to face him. 

“Look me in the eye and tell me why you and I can’t be together and be a family with our daughter. Even though we both know that we love each other.” 

Her eyes welled with tears. “Because,” she sniffed. 

“Because what?” 

“Because I can’t trust you,” she whispered. “And I can’t be in a relationship with a man that I can’t trust.” 

He stared at her silently, taking in her features in the dim lighting of her apartment. The way the light highlighted the caramel streaks lost in her auburn hair. The way that, despite the puffy eyes, blotchy skin, and tear stained cheeks, he had never seen a woman more beautiful. Slowly he released her hands and turned to face the dark screen of her flat screen TV. He drew his hands down over his face and sat silently with them clasped in front of him. 

After several minutes without a word, Olivia touched his shoulder. “Elliot.” 

“Look. I have this weekend off and I was wondering if I can keep Kayla with me.” 

“So this is the way you’re going to deal with this. You’re gonna just-” 

“Look she’s my daughter too! And I don’t get to see her in the mornings or at night, and I barely have time to see her during the day. I want to spend some time with her, so can I have her for the weekend or not?” 

“Sure…Sure. You know I would never keep her from you Elliot.” 

“Yea. Look, I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you later.” With that he stood and grabbed his coat before leaving her apartment. She stared at the door that he had slammed, knowing that she had just closed the door to a part of her life that she may have wanted to keep open.


	16. Chapter 16

It did not take long for Elliot and Olivia to settle into their own routine of sharing their daughter. He took her on whatever weekend he had free and whenever he could have her after work. The holidays caused their first custody fight, but Elliot conceded and allowed Olivia to have Kayla for both Christmas and New Years since it was her first, and Olivia had compromised in allowing him to share both with them. 

At work things had settled down after the first couple of weeks, and things seemed to flow as easily as possible from day to day. Both sat at their desk working quietly when Olivia’s cell phone rang, interrupting their solace. 

“Benson…Hey…Really? ” She sighed heavily and leaned back in her seat, tossing her pen on her desk. “No, it’s ok. No. I’ll just call and cancel. No, it’s ok. No really, I’ll just call and cancel. Thanks anyways. Alright. Bye.” 

“Everything ok?” Elliot asked, looking up from a file. 

“Yea, fine.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yea.” 

“’Cause it sounded like you had plans and no babysitter.” 

“You got all that from my five second conversation?” 

“Detective, remember?” he said pointing at himself.

“How could I forget? But yea, I had plans. It’s no big deal, I’ll just cancel.” 

“I can watch her.” 

“No, it’s ok. It’s not that important; I’ll just call and cancel.” 

“How come you didn’t ask me first?” 

“Ask you what?” 

“To watch her.” 

“No reason.” 

He eyed her suspiciously. “I don’t believe you. Look, things are slow so I’ll go get her and I’ll stop by to pick up some things for her.” 

“Elliot-” 

“No, it’s settled, plus I haven’t had her over in awhile. Work’s been so hectic I just haven’t had the time. So we’ll be by later.” 

“Fine.” 

******************** 

Elliot stood in front of Olivia’s door waiting for her to open it. Kayla smiled up at him as she played with the zipper on his leather jacket. The door opened and he looked up to see Olivia dressed in a forest green dress. Her makeup impeccably done, her hair beautifully styled. 

“Got a hot date?” 

“Where’ve you been? You were supposed to get here hours ago.” 

“I promised Dickie that I’d get him a new game for his PS2 if he got at least a B- in math. He did, so we went and got the game, and a quick dinner. So you have a date?” 

“Yes. Look, I got tied up at work so I didn’t have time to pack a bag.” 

“That’s why you didn’t ask me to baby-sit. Because you didn’t want me to find out.” 

“Yes. Now you can pack a bag for her or you can just stay here. I think it’s best if you just stayed here because she has a follow up appointment tomorrow morning.” 

“You sure you want me here?” 

“I’m not going to sleep with him on the first date Elliot, and I don’t know him well enough to bring him back here, so you’re safe. Now, there’s milk in the fridge, and I’ll have my cell on if you need anything.” She slid her feet into her black pumps, and grabbed her purse. “Bye Junebug,” she said as she kissed her daughter’s chubby cheek and then disappeared out the door. 

***********************************   
Olivia sat across a table decorated with white linen and other utensils for fine dining. She listened intently as Mark Freeman explained his reasons for becoming a doctor and his many struggles and triumphs to get to where he currently was in life and where he planned on going. 

From all vantage points he seemed like the perfect guy. He was young, good looking, smart, charming, and had blue eyes that were the same shade as her daughter’s. They weren’t as dark as Elliot’s and they weren’t as light as Simon’s, but they seem to resemble the perfect shade of sky blue, like on a warm summer’s day. It didn’t bother him that she had a kid, what she did for a living, or that she still worked with her ex who also happened to be the father of her child. He loved sports and he was really interested in her. The only problem was, she wasn’t interested in him. 

She didn’t understand it. She wanted so much to feel some kind of feelings for him, but she could not. Her mind often wandered while he spoke to her. Something he would say or something that would happen around them would remind her of Elliot. For that reason alone, she knew that it would not work, and she wasn’t sure any relationship she had would ever work, because the man that she seemed to be looking for was Elliot. 

************************************* 

Elliot sat forward slowly, his hand rested against his daughter’s back as she slept against his shoulder. He stood just as the lock to Olivia’s door clicked and she stepped through. 

“Hey,” she started, but stopped as soon as she saw Elliot put his finger to his lips. 

He walked into Kayla’s room and tucked her into her crib. When he returned he found Olivia on the couch. Her heels had been kicked off and she rested with her eyes closed as she rubbed the back of her neck. 

“Date that bad?” he asked as he took a seat beside her. 

“No, actually the date was pretty good.” 

“What’d you do?” 

“Dinner and dancing.” 

“Dancing?” 

“Yes, dancing. What’s wrong with dancing?” 

“Nothing, I just never knew you to be the dancing type.” 

“I actually love dancing.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes really.” 

“Wow, guess you learn something new every day.” 

“Yea. I guess…” 

“So it sounds like you had a good time. Is there a second date in your future?” 

“No, I don’t think so.” 

“Why not?” 

She looked up at him, and admired the blue within his eyes, and that even though they weren’t the same shade of blue as her daughter’s she still loved them. “He’s not what I’m looking for.” 

“And what exactly are you looking for?” 

“You.” With that she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. His lips parted and she slid her tongue in to explore the depths of his mouth. He moved his hand up to slide into the soft tresses of her hair. She slid one of her legs across his lap to straddle his waist. He slid his hands up her thighs taking the edges of her dress with them. He pulled her closer to him and made love to her mouth with his own. 

“Wait,” he said pulling back from her. 

“What?” she asked smiling seductively. 

“We can’t do this,” he said, sliding her off of his lap. 

“Why?” 

“Because nothing’s changed, and I’m tired of your games. I’m not going to be some kind of fuck buddy to you. ” 

“I don’t want-” 

“What? What do you want? Do you want to be in a relationship with me or not?” 

“Elliot… I don’t know.” 

“Yea, well when you figure it out call me. Also, I want Kayla for the weekend.” 

“Elliot, I don’t feel comfortable with Kayla being away from me that long.” 

“You were willing to let Casey keep her for a night.” 

“So have you.” 

“I’m her father. I should be able to have her with me for more than a night.” 

“A night is fine, not a whole weekend.” 

“Well, she’s my daughter too, and I want more time with her.” 

“That’s fine, but not for a whole weekend.” 

“Olivia. I’m her father and I barely get to see her. I want her for the weekend, and if you have a problem with that then we can discuss it with my lawyer. See you in the morning.”   
He grabbed his coat and left her apartment slamming the door behind him. 

She heard Kayla hiccup a cry and went to attend her. The baby settled down easily once she gave her her pacifier. She stared at her daughter as she slept and wondered what the future held for her. The last thing she wanted was for lawyers to get involved in their situation, and she had a feeling that their situation was going to go from bad to worse unless she did something to fix it.


	17. Chapter 17

Things between them had turned into a tense affair. They tried to be as civil as possible when it came to work and to dealing with Kayla, but something significant had shifted between them. The connection they once had no longer seemed to exist and the bond they once shared seemed to be dissipating before their very eyes. 

Olivia stepped out of the shower and began to towel her hair dry. She eyed her cell phone as she made her way into her room. They needed to talk about this. Kayla was innocent in all of this mess, and she at least deserved to have two parents the could make things work for her. Even if they couldn’t get along, they could at least stand to be in the same room with each other and be civil towards one another. 

She quickly dressed and dialed the number to his apartment. It rang twice before he answered. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, El it’s me.” 

“Hey. Is everything ok? Kayla sick again?” 

“No she’s fine. I actually just put her down about an hour ago.” 

“Oh, ok. So what’s up?” 

“I think that we should talk.” 

“Alright. Talk about what?” 

“Us. The way that things are going-the way that they are right now… It’s…It’s not good for us as partners or as parents.” 

“Partners. Is that what you’re really worried about?” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Look Olivia, you can deny what you feel for me-” 

“I’ve never denied what I feel for you.” 

“Fine. But you have denied what you really want, and you can use every excuse in the damn book, but I still know what you really want.” 

“Is that why you’ve been acting the way you have?” 

“You can say I’ve been trying to force your hand a little. Olivia, when it comes to relationships, you’re a coward.” 

“Bullshit! I wasn’t the one that screwed this relationship up. You screwed Kathy and that’s what ruined this relationship.” 

“But you never tried to fix it! I’ve done everything I can, and I’ve apologized for what   
I’ve done. You claim to have forgiven me for it, but I don’t think that’s true.” 

“It is true.” 

“Then why can’t we be together? We love each other, we have a kid.” 

“A kid is no reason for us to stay together if we can’t make our relationship work.” 

“True, but it’s a reason to try. I just… I don’t understand you. I don’t understand what your problem is.” 

“What my problem is? What my problem is? My problem is that I’m scared! I wanted the relationship Elliot. I wanted the house and the 2.5 kids and the fuckin’ white fence, and you went out and showed me that that wasn’t what you wanted. You took our perfect dream and shoved it my face with a fuck you. And then when you’re ready, when you’re done playing the field and being the hunky bachelor and ready to be the husband and father again, I’m just supposed to be sitting here waiting for you. Well the truth is, I’m not so sure that’s something I want for my family, and my kids. You’ve done this once before and failed at it miserably, and with our line of work, that supposedly I don’t get or understand because of whatever bullshit excuse you can come up with, whatever relationship we start barely stands a chance, so why start something that’s doomed to fail? I’ve seen what a divorce does to kids, I’ve seen what it did to your kids, and I don’t want to put my daughter through that. Do you remember the look in Lizzie’s eyes when you told her that you and Kathy were over?” 

“Yes I do, Liv. And believe me that is the last thing I want to do to Kayla, Olivia. You know that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. But I love you Olivia, and you love me and you know how great we could be. Don’t you think it’s worth the risk?” 

Tears fell unchecked down her cheeks. “Maybe,” she whispered softly. 

“OK. Well then let’s talk about this. Tomorrow, over dinner. We’ll pick up Kayla from daycare and go someplace where we can have a burger or something and talk.” 

“Ok.” 

He let out a sigh of relief. “Ok. Kiss Kayla goodnight for me before you head to bed.” 

“Alright.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

 

*********************

 

Elliot paid for his coffee and Olivia’s tea then headed over to the sugar table. As he stirred cream into his coffee he thought about tonight’s dinner and what he would say to Olivia to convince her that their relationship was worth the risk. He was just about to add sugar to Olivia’s tea when his cell phone ring. 

“Stabler.” 

“Elliot,” the captain’s voice rang in his ear. “There’s been an accident,” he sighed deeply. “It’s Olivia.”


	18. Chapter 18

December 

“Is she- Is she dead?” his voice cracked on the final word. 

“No, but things don’t look too good. You should get to Mercy right away.” 

“Ok, but what about Kayla?” He held his breath while waiting for the answer. 

“She’s fine. She’s at daycare.” 

“ Thank God. I’m on my way.” 

******************************* 

 

Elliot arrived on the surgery ward and marched straight up to the front desk, his heart pounding in his chest and his mind racing a thousand miles a minute. 

“Olivia Benson. Is she ok?” 

She nurse clicked on the mouse and stared at the computer screen in front of her. “Ms. Benson is still in surgery. We’ll let you know as soon as she’s out.” 

“Elliot.” 

Elliot turned around to see Cragen walking in, Munch and Fin in tow. “Cap. What happened?” 

“I’m not sure. It happened so fast, I… Some kid got away from his mother and ran out in the street. She tried to save him. Managed to knock him out of the way, but…” 

“The driver didn’t see her?” 

“Asshole was on his cell phone. Wasn’t paying attention.” 

Elliot sighed heavily and made his way over to some nearby chairs and fell heavily into one. He stared up at Cragen with red rimmed eyes. “What if she doesn’t make it?” 

“She’ll make it. She’s a fighter. We all know that.” 

Fin came over. “Hey, Munch and I are gonna go get some coffee for everyone. Let us know if anything changes.” The two men watched the others depart and Elliot turned back to Cragen.

“We were going to talk today about getting back together. We were going to start over. I...” 

“Elliot, don’t think like that. You will get another chance to do all that with her.” 

“I… I hope so.” 

Casey burst through the elevator doors, her eyes puffed up and rimmed in tears. “I just heard. Is she ok? I just- what happened? How did this happen?” 

Elliot stood and took her into his arms. “Casey, calm down. This isn’t helping anyone.” 

“But?” she sniffed and wiped away her tears. “What can I do to help?” 

“Can you go pick Kayla up from daycare, and keep her with you for awhile.” 

“Sure. Sure, anything. Keep me updated?” 

“Of course.”   
***************** 

It had been hours, and the doctors were still working on her. A nurse had come and tried to update them, but she never had much to say. Only that they were still working, and that she was holding up ok. 

“Mr. Stabler?” the doctor asked as he walked into the waiting room. 

Elliot stood quickly and walked over to the man in green scrubs. “Yes. Is Olivia ok?” 

“Can we sit, and talk in private for awhile?” 

“Oh, God. No.” he shook his head. “No.” 

“No, Mr. Stabler, it’s not what you think, but it is very serious. How about we go over here for awhile.” They moved over to a small corner and sat. “Olivia made it through surgery ok. She gave us a scare a couple times, we had a hard time keeping her blood pressure up. There was a lot of internal bleeding, and it took us awhile to locate the source of the bleeding. Turns out the force of the crash caused a laceration to her liver and a perforation to part of her bowel. We repaired the damage, and she seemed to be stable after that.” 

“So she’s going to be ok, right?” 

“Not exactly. It seems that she also managed to hit her head during the crash. We performed an MRI and found that she had fractured her skull.” Elliot drew in a deep breath. “There was some swelling so we placed a tube inside her head, to help drain some of the excess fluid and alleviate some of the pressur on her brain. The problem is, the CT scan shows little to no brain activity. We currently have her on a ventilator, which is doing her breathing for her. At this point everything is up to her.” 

Elliot nodded slowly, taking in all the information that the doctor had just relayed to him. “Can I see her?” 

“Sure.” 

Elliot followed the man solemnly and stopped when he stood in front of her room door. He walked in and his heart broke when he saw her. He made his way to her bedside and kissed her bruised and battered face. He ran his hand delicately over the stitches just above her eyebrow. He took her cold hand in his. “I love you,” he whispered in her ear. “Please. Fight for me, Fight for Kayla. Fight for us. Don’t let this beat you.”


End file.
